I was a young boy when my mother committed suicide. It was the emotional equivalent of a nuclear bomb.

I have so many unanswered questions. How could she not hold me one more time and tell me goodbye? Why couldn’t she give me one last chance to look into her eyes…and say goodbye? Why was her love for me not strong enough to defeat her demons? Was there more I could have done, signs I should have noticed? Did she really mean to take her own life? Was it only meant to be a cry for help that went terribly wrong?

I’m older now…older than she lived to be. While I will never understand, I’m better able to appreciate the mental hell my mother must have been going through and the pain she surely experienced on a daily basis. It is impossible to rationally grasp the irrational. Even now as I type this, my eyes are filled with tears. The pain isn’t as raw these days, but when I come back to this space it still burns like hell. Her death breaks my heart. It was so fucking final…for her. I have my entire life to think about it.

Michael 15 (Boy Angel Demo)

I have two letters from my mother. One is a birthday card. I didn’t know this card existed until it fell out of my grandmother’s bible while I was unpacking during my last move. I must have read it a hundred times in a row. It literally brought me to my knees. The other letter is her suicide note. I’ve read it once. I’m scared to read it again. I wish I had been more organized as a child and saved more of her memories. I save all love letters, cards, and special correspondence now. You’ll see plenty examples of this in my stories. Even through my blog, which has been deleted (by WordPress) several times, I have been diligent about saving and importing comments. So many of them are like special gifts that touch my soul.

Famed psychologist, Carl Jung, would likely label my mother’s passing as my “shadow”. Experiences like this have significant impact on our adult life but aren’t often visible to others or even to ourselves. We often fear our shadow. We repress it and bury it so deep inside that we almost forget it is there. But, the shadow is there…working on us, shaping our view of the world and our behaviors. Our shadow is our dark side, but this isn’t the same as saying our shadow is evil.

There is the potential to develop a phobia around the cause(s) of our shadow. This leads us to avoid, suppress, fear, and run from our darkness. On the other side of the scale, we may face our shadow in a way that is counter-phobic. Instead of fear and/or avoidance, we confront the darkness of our deepest fear over and over and over. Phobia and counter-phobia are both extremes.

Riding along with our shadow, we have our persona. Our persona is what others see when they look at us. It is our light and the collection of masks we wear when interacting in the outer world. A person can be shadow dominated or persona dominated. It is through the journey of personal discovery and the merging of our shadow and persona that we progress towards wholeness of being. If we succeed in this journey, we approach the archetype of our greatest individual potential—Self.

Children are resilient and life today is really, really good. I smile a lot and it comes from a genuine space. I am happy. I have fun and wake up excited about the day ahead. I am as motivated as ever before and my dreams are greater than my memories. Still, I am a thinker personality and there is so much I want to know. In fact, an overarching theme for my blog is the quest for deeper meaning and understanding – some of this quest flows towards sexual fantasies but other aspects are a bitter deeper. Understanding my shadow and how it has and continues to influence my relationships with women and sexual fantasies is an important part of my writing and artistic journey.

I have made some breakthroughs over the years but questions linger. Have I balanced the scales of Libra between my own phobias and counter-phobic desires? Will there ever be enough “wine, women, and song” in this world to fill the void my mother left behind? Have I wanted to fuck every woman in the world or make love to every woman? Has my need to be “loved” or adored been some form of unrelenting quest for validation…proof that I should have been worth living for? Why have I been so blessed to have made such beautiful, deep connections with women? Did my mother’s death make me super attentive to what women around me are feeling? Did it fill me with the desire to uncover the often unspoken or repressed desires of women? Why do I have such vivid imagery around light and darkness and the threshold in between the two. Why does love die?

In addition to the ample offering of erotic stories and images, I will explore a couple additional subjects that may at first pass appear unrelated, but they are essential threads interwoven within the tapestry of my blog. My fascination with women in general and especially the female mind permeate my blog.

I also enjoy psychology and use both ancient and modern-day mythology (comics) to make it a bit more entertaining for me (and hopefully you). Using characters and mythology provides a common reference most of us can relate too. I view superheroes as modern-day visions of ancient human dreams – archetypes. They are timeless dreams reimagined for the modern world. Batman in particular lingers in my thoughts as more than a childhood fascination. Is there a lesson to be learned in exploring the psychology of Batman? I’ll give it a shot.

Long before I became aware of the constructs of persona and shadow, I recognized that I was drawn to the contrast of light and darkness and the magical interplay of colors in the transition…in the threshold between these two realms. I have often looked at the scales of Libra with more than a passing glance. As an adult, the archetypal energy of the ancient Greek god known as Dionysus calls to me. Is there knowledge to be gleamed from the ancient dreams of humanity that gave rise to gods of the old world? We’ll see.

Batman and/or Dionysus. Is one a projection of my shadow and the other a projection of my persona? Perhaps one is a vessel for exploring the other? Maybe they are the same archetypal dream from different periods. After all, archetypes don’t die. They only morph and reappear to fit their time. Each Halloween my decision to dress as Batman is much more than a whimsical choice, and my utility belt is always packed. After all, if you’re going to work in the shadows, you’re going to need the proper tools.

Welcome to my journey for deeper meaning.

Welcome to The Dionysian Experience

75 thoughts on “Shadow – A Mother’s Suicide

  1. Yes, you are right we all have shadows and it takes someone who is capable of opening that door to see the shadow that prevents us from truly being complete with someone else. I believe with Alan that moment happened for us and he was able to see beyond my persona. He is the reason I faced those fears and will always be grateful. I can not wait to read more about this subject.

    1. Yes, these are doors we are afraid to open sometimes. I was hesitant to share this post and thought about deleting it several times after I posted it. In the end, I felt like it was part of the fabric of our story and our journey. Have you written about this experience with Alan? You may not have wanted to share it but, if you did, please leave a link…would love to read it. Now you have two requests for stories. 🙂

      1. Sometimes we need to write/walk in the shadow before we can really walk our journey. Thats what I believe now. Its the only way to conquer your fears and it’s also where you find your true self. I think I wrote a little about it and how he has helped me realize my fears but not much. However, I will also write about. I think after I see him tomorrow I will.

  2. I shed tears as I read deeper into this. Michael, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m afraid of my dark side. I’ve been able to keep my shadow at bay for the last few months, but always worried it would find a way to escape and come for me.
    This post was so beautifully written. I can feel your passion, despair, and sadness. I know I’m too late to the party to comment, but I had to let you know. We can be each others light, my friend. And you can always be my Batman. ❤️

    1. Thank you, Beautiful ❤ This was a tough one to write and share but it is a key part of my story and journey for deeper understanding. I hope to learn about your shadow as well. Thanks for commenting on this one and sharing your thoughts. You are shinning light right now ❤ Mmmm, I can’t wait for you to remove my utility belt…you are radiating sexy Catwoman vibes! :-*

  3. This makes sense at first reading though I’m sure I’ll still ponder on it for awhile. I’m a Libra. While I don’t put much stock in astrology I’ve always felt particularly in tune with the libra. I am forever looking for a balance in the scales. Also Batman has always been my favorite superhero. I like that his lightness was born out of a darkness and that both are forever a part of him. And, unlike the popular vote, Michael Keaton will ALWAYS be Batman to me. Always.

    1. like the “lightness born out of darkness” thought. I knew you would have a pearl to share. 🙂 I’m with you on Astrology but it is fun to toss around…especially when we fulfill our sign. So, you are a Libra? I’m sure this one of many reasons I’m drawn to your blog. 😉

      1. I enjoy your posts. They give my brain a good work out. Yes, for as much as I think astrology is bologna I do embody all the Libran aspects.

        Drawn because of the balance? Or because of your sign? 😉

        1. Haha, great catch! I thought I was being stealthy. The answer would be yes…to both! 🙂

  4. Well now you obviously have to share your sign…

    1. Oh that’s right, ha! I used to have a lion in honor of Leo before going to my more “modest” gravatar…

  5. Modest! Ha! What would fire be without air???

  6. Michael, My heart goes out to yours, I can only try to understand your process.

    It’s a tribute to you that you have become the man you are, having made the decision at some point to travel through life with a greater sense of happiness, something you had to learn on your own.

    It also sounds like you were young enough that you still viewed your mother very much as a Goddess, and may be part of why you so easily see the beauty/Goddess aspect in each woman you meet. (I believe it was in the post about Paris that you mentioned you find all women beautiful.) It’s amazing to me that you have chosen to focus on seeing the beauty in women, where you could so easily choose to focus on hating women for having been abandoned by your mother.

    I too, have tried to understand the psychology behind suicide. It is the antithesis of survival, a concept that is so hardwired into our genetics even down to a cellular level. It is my understanding of severe depression that sufferers are convinced that their lives are so worthless that the lives of family and friends would actually be better without them. The fog is so thick that they lack any empathy, thus they are unable to see for a second how their absence will in any way negatively impact others.

    I saw this first-hand with a friend, who luckily survived the attempt. I spent the day with her in ICU, while my mom watched her daughter who was 6 at the time. My friend could not see through her daughter’s eyes and was convinced life would be better for her family without her. I’m grateful that she survived and that I was able to be of service to her and her family at that time. Her husband was a wreck, understandably.

    While my mother survived, she also attempted to take her life at least twice since my birth. Once when I was a little girl; the events of which I have blocked from conscious memory. The second attempt was when I was an adult. I was the one to call 911… It was not until the second attempt that she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. This is often a missed diagnosis. My mother had been in counseling for many years, but was only treated for depression. My grandmother had the same disorder; her final attempt was successful. Given the family history, and my love for the extremes, I had to be convinced by several mental health professionals that I did not have this disorder…

    Michael, I can see how Batman is a strong archetype for you. It’s inspiring that you have discovered so much about yourself through this process and are willing to share it with others. I hope my sharing of experiences gives you some new insights.

    Much love to you, Tiffany

    1. Thank you Tiffany 🙂 As you can imagine, I am very sorry to hear about your mother and what you experienced. I know one thing with certainty…I will never understand why. Your comment about Goddess resonates. I did create a category by that name…perhaps there is an insight to be marshaled. Thanks so much for your kind words…I will come back to them over time as the exploration continues. 🙂

  7. I have turned this post over in my head several times as it fits completely parallel with some thinking I have done over the weekend regarding the plot, or moral, of a certain movie I just watched. I intend to expand on this in my own blog post and sincerely hope you take no issues with me doing so. Please let me know if you do. I will attempt to do your post justice. 🙂

    1. I’m always flattered when one post leads to another, and I can’t wait to read your post 🙂

  8. Michael, ❤️ X ❤️=. infinity 🌟✨❤️

  9. Did you update the header image on this post? I haven’t noticed it before but I like it!

    1. I did 🙂 The other one was a little too brooding to see every time I went to my home page, ha! I think the new really ties in well with the post…plus, it is hot!

  10. Thank you for following me and I love how creative you are and the wonderful posts. I’ll be back to read more of it!!

    1. Thank you, Kally 🙂 You are so thoughtful and I appreciate you visiting and taking a moment to comment. I look forward to exploring your blog as well…it is very motivational and well done. 🙂

  11. Michael, you and I have spoken about your mother’s departure from this life before and I just want to reiterate that you will always have my support, hugs, love, comfort and deepest sympathies.

    I’m going to be bold and answer your questions you’ve asked yourself here.

    “Will there ever be enough “wine, women, and song” in this world to fill the void she left behind?” I think the answer is No. No one could ever fill that void and guess what? That’s okay. No one should, no one should want to and you shouldn’t want anyone to either. Maybe, try to think of it less as a void where she’s not there but more so as a vast open space where there is room for her and all your loves you let into that space.

    “Did I want to fuck every woman in the world or did I want to make love to every woman?” Why not both? What would be so wrong with that. 🙂

    “Have I wanted every woman to know that there is always light…to ensure that no woman hurts the way she did? Or, do I want to dance in their darkness without fear?” Hmmmm, Yes and Yes would be my guess. I think deep down you know the answers

    Does love always die? I think it depends on the person. If you want it to, than yes it can and will. If you believe and accept that there is enough love to go around then it will always live on.

    Of course I’m an optimist and would rather believe in the possibilities of life and love than not. 🙂

    1. Sweet, beautiful Kristi :-* Thank you for such a thoughtful reply on this and the last version too. Your thoughts are something that I will revisit when I try to make sense of my thoughts and draw conclusions. You did open my mind to the possibilities of “Yes and Yes” I just wonder if my relationship with women is on overdrive…like an obsession almost. You are so very encouraging and supportive…and I do appreciate you taking the time to think through this with me. I will definitely return to your comments again and, for now, they have given me some peace. Maybe I’m just a hot blooded man with a high sex drive and it is okay that I want you in my bed! 😉

      1. you are most welcome Michael. you know maybe you are going through a period where your relationships with women is in overdrive. is that bad? i don’t think it’s necessarily out of the ordinary to want to be with women and lots of them. and when you are you… with your sexy little happy trail, model bum and not so itty bitty cock it sure as hell doesn’t hurt in attracting them. hehe

        1. Mmmm, you are tapping into the mind play kink that I haven’t introduced on this blog…yet. Definitely created a major rush here, whew! 🙂

  12. Hehe!!! Thought you might like that. 😘

  13. I am sorry about your mom but I can see where you would feel pulled to Batman…sort of the same way I am pulled to Catwoman…it is a means of releasing the darkness that is housed deep within.

    1. Thank you, Selina. I like your Catwoman analogy…tapping into and releasing the darkness. I thought you would totally get this and you did. 🙂 Love this comment!

  14. A loved one’s suicide is a pain one carries forever. I can relate because it happened to me. Wishing you the best on your journey…

    1. Hi Mary, thank you for stopping by and taking a moment to comment. I appreciate your well-wishes and wish the same for you. These life events can cast quite a shadow…

      1. Mary Cathleen Clark

        Yes indeed, they can. I’ll be back to read more…looks like you have an interesting blog. 🙂

  15. Mystic Misfit

    I am also a Libra, does that surprise you? The balancing of light and dark can be very Zen, indeed. It all exists as What Is.
    Being a passionate man is beautiful, and I admire how you have held on to passion and love.

    1. Thank you, mysterious (not-so-misfit) mystic 🙂 It doesn’t surprise me that you are a Libra. Btw, I promise my downward gaze was at your scales…well, at least some of the time, ha! 😉 Seriously though, thanks for giving this one a read and your kind words…you have a giving spirit. ❤

  16. The next batch of comments come from when I first shared this post on a blog I shared with Sienna. There is a little different vibe this blog was ours as a couple.

  17. Michael, you do dabble in Psychology. 🙂 I’m sorry that you had to experience what you did at age 14. I certainly agree that we all have a dark side. I realize that I do, but it no longer scares me to peek at it or to take it in. Actually, it is who I really am. My persona is certainly not the real me. I am for the people in my life who they expect me to be…

    1. Thank you, Oceans 🙂 Yes…a little hobby I suppose. It is partly driven by self discovery but I do try to give back in a way that we can all think about and, perhaps, take away a message or two that helps.

      You may not want to answer this here but you seem to have gone down this path of discovery and connected the dots. You seem to know what caused your Shadow and that you are Shadow dominant. Do you see yourself as on a journey to unify your Shadow and Persona?

  18. Oh, Michael … you know you have my complete attention. I write so much of the Shadows and work so hard on my Persona — it fascinates me when someone meets the subjects head-on. Can’t wait for more …

    1. Dana, thank you! 🙂 I have watched and read with great interest and fascination in the way you explore your darkness…always hopeful that you will one day be able to unite it with your light. This is the journey before us all and the torch we all must hold. You may recall our little exchange a while back about Kashmir and the journey…the sprinkles of influence scattered on our blog. This reconciliation of Shadow and Persona is one milestone in that journey for me at least.

  19. Yes we all have our own shadows. Some more sever than others. The trick, I guess, is to keep on looking for the light and try not to let it overwhelm us. Great post.

    1. Thank you, Christina. I like this “looking for the light” imagery, a lot! A little light can go a long way in the dark…

  20. Michael, you live, feel and see on a deeper level than most. You have a way of giving of yourself that is a remarkable gift. My husband and I have been the recipients of your generosity in your words of sharing and caring in a post of his regarding his Mother. While I do not know the pain that comes from such a life changing event, I can say I am familiar with the pain of someone who suffers so greatly they feel it would be better to leave us before their time.

    I hope what I’m about to say isn’t taken the wrong way because my intention is not to hurt or disrespect. But I can’t help but wonder if you would have the insight and beautiful soul you posses if you’d not lived through something so tragic. Some people, when faced with a life changing even like you were are able to harness the feelings and emotions and seek understanding of them on a greater scale, while others tend to self destruct and let the event rule their life in only negative ways.

    You Michael, are a beautiful soul who has seen and experienced things no child should ever have too and instead of letting it control the Man you’ve become you let it guide you to the Man you were meant to be.

    Many hugs and kisses and thanks for letting me be witness to an amazing journey.


    1. Tis, it took me a few days before I could come back to this. I haven’t read the post since I published it and though I didn’t go into much detail, I can only visit this in small doses. I’m actually looking forward to covering it over with some lighter ones 🙂 I remember B’s posts very clearly and the bravery and courage he exhibited as he persevered. You also went through a painful journey as well being so close…intimately intertwined and affected during that challenging period. You have faced such adversity together–more than most couples will ever face…certainly more than most will face and survive! Yet, here you both are…more in love than ever, love it!!! 🙂

      What you wrote is so beautiful and deeply touching…it really means a lot, thank you! I hope that time will prove me worthy of such kind, generous sentiment. If this life event has resulted in a desire for a deeper, more substantive life experience and connection with others, I hope that I can always channel this energy towards light and love. 🙂

      Still, the Shadow remains and I don’t fully grasp it’s energy or intent. I suppose that is part of the journey and discovery before us all.

  21. Baby, our shadows are what drew us into one another. I so understand this pain and it is what connected is to one another. You are an amazing and complex man…. I love your deep thought and reflection and your openness to explore the “why” behind many things in life. It is this intrigue and seeking which makes The Man! You Michael…. My Man! I know the pain and the anguish, the love and pain, the questions with no answers…. I understand… Well, I may not understand, but I have seen it and I know. I love you my sweetheart. You are adored, loved and cherished! xoxoxo

  22. A little bedtime reading I thought. Now I am crying. Dear Lord (and I’m not religious) how the hell anyone can continue to grow up with that experience presented at their feet is quite beyond me. I respect you enormously for talking about it.
    My own mother left me when I was 5. The day she first asked me to wash her and my tiny innocent fingers knew no different than to obey.
    My mother still lives. But not as a nurturing figure. But that’s another story. For another day.

    1. Thank you so much for this heartfelt message…I really appreciate it. I don’t have many posts like this one, but it was a pivotal moment in my life and I believe it sets a subtle backdrop/context for my relationship with women. Understanding this backdrop is something I will touch on now and then and ponder as I share my story. Also, I am so sorry about what happened to you. I appreciate you sharing it. I can’t even imagine how difficult that must be to process as you grew up and began to understand what had happened. I imagine that has been a significant shadow in your life. I’m just meeting you but I can feel your beautiful spirit and sense you have navigated it well. 🌺✨

  23. […] from a happy place. However, I can’t summarily dismiss my mother’s suicide (discussed in the Origin – Shadow post) as a contributing […]

  24. […] have explored a bit of my psychological affinity towards Batman in Shadows and will explore further in the upcoming post Dawn of Understanding. In terms of […]

  25. […] In our afterglow, I knew I was in trouble. I remember thinking, “No way, not now.” I still had a mission to fulfill. Much of this mission is described in Leanna – Separate Ways (coming soon). And, though I never told you, I was still fighting some demons in my life due to my mother’s suicide (discussed in Shadows). […]

  26. […] read more about the psychological impact of significant early childhood events, please check out my Shadows: Origin […]

  27. *embracing you so very hard, infinitely*

    I’m so sorry, my fire…I can’t even imagine…that you have turned this personal life implosion into the beautiful spirit you are today is astonishing and everything I was beginning to adore about you has just deepened 10 fold. The way you philosophise and reflect and collate into beauty and words is more than enrapturing..
    This struck home too because…I should probably say this in private but…if it weren’t for my beautiful little son, I know I would have considered more than once to …cease this painful existence. He is my crystalline, beautiful tether to this world, and I would be lost without him. Your mama…she must have loved you so, baby. Buynher demons got the better of her… they are…relentless. It’s not your fault. Forgive me if I’ve overstepped the line…I just feel things and need to say them to you.

    I just couldn’t leave him…and the thought of you being left and bereft…it hurts me and I long to hold you and stroke the back of your neck, nuzzled near your ear, and tell you how precious you are, how beautiful your soul is and how fortunate I feel that you have, from so far away, somehow chosen to kiss my life with your presence…albeit in this virtual way…

    I’m…aching in so many ways for you.

    More of this later, in private, okay?

    Kiss ❤️

  28. […] by crushing despair in a never ending quest for Romantic Love as the highest form of love. In Shadows, I explore role Carl Jung’s psychological concepts around shadow and psyche and the struggles we […]

  29. […] by women. The inclusion of women in this theme likely comes from reflections described in the Shadows and American […]

  30. I am learning so much from you and I thank you for your candor. Sending you lots of love and many kisses.

    1. Thank you Summerhill 💖 Every now and then I try to go a little deeper and hope that my exploration offers a little something for others to consider.

  31. This must’ve been so difficult for you to write. The things we face as a child, really do affect us for the rest of our lives. My mother nearly died twice as a child. Once after being hit by a drunk driver while riding her tricycle, and once by falling out of a car on the highway. She of course recovered, but has permanent brain damage and suffers from all the psychological trauma that she incurred. My childhood was nothing like what you went through, but because of what happened to my mother, I was brought up to live in fear of everything because my mother was constantly afraid. I am very grateful for my mother and so thankful she didn’t die. But I’ve always had to take care of her, and it was hard growing up not having someone able to take care of me. It’s tragic that you had to face such things at a young age, but now I can see where your strength comes from.

    1. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this. ✨I can’t come to this space or memory too often. It puts me out of sorts for a few weeks when it all swells up and feels very present. I write so much about my life journey through relationships with women…this life event, I feel, is important context. As for my strength…thank you for saying that. Thank you for sharing your experience too. It seems we all have these shadows in one form or another that shape us. I can see how what happened to your mother would alter your childhood and how you see the world. It is a lot of responsibility for you to take on and there are things you missed. It plays out for us as adults in real life through our relationships and I think it also weaves it way through or fantasies. I remember you mentioning how nice it would be to let go and not have to be in control of everything. It makes even more sense now. Hope you have a wonderful day and thanks for sharing your energy with me 💫

  32. I know this is hard for you- to share this wound over and over again with new people. I wonder what you’ve discovered since you wrote it.. I hope you always walk in sunshine, Michael. I know the shadow follows but I hope you always feel the sun on your face. ❤️

    1. Thank you Violette 😘 I can tell you are a very special girl 💖 (and very naughty 😃) This is no doubt the toughest post to share. Mother’s Day was looming and I guess it always sits heavy on me in May. I couldn’t even finish replying to comments…just needed to step away from it for a bit. I do write a lot of erotica but it is part of a larger story and this is one part of that story. I have learned a lot…still learning. Too much to put in the comments though, ha! One thing for sure, I do believe I am extra fond of women…in a deeper way 🍇

  33. I am a Libra rising sign, does that count as being a Libra? 😁❤️

    1. I think it does… I’m reaching out now to make sure both sides are balanced…😈

  34. So much emotion, soul, and unanswered questions, Michael! I had to read it twice. Thanks for sharing part of what makes you breathtakingly unique.

    1. Awww Robecca, this is such a sweet and special reaction to this…thank you so much 💞✨This post always seems to rise to the surface around Mother’s Day and I needed to shut down for a bit. Feeling good though and love that you are enjoying your visit. It is going to get very naughty soon though 😈

      1. 😉 always up for a tiny bit of fun.

        1. Not sure how deep you’ve gone in my blog but…”tiny” definitely pushes an erotic hot button of mine 😛😈 Of course, the reference could have been completely innocent. Hope you have a great evening. ☺️

          1. Thank goodness it was intensional! Enjoy your evening.

        2. Mmmm yes, I was hoping that would be your reply… It has been swirling in my thoughts today, thank you for the rush 💫🔥

  35. Michael, I’m sitting here thinking about everything I just read and I am struggling to find words to convey how deeply this post affected me. I know a thing or two about being ‘shadow dominated’ but have learned how to use it in fight rather than allow it to cause flight in me. The persona I present to the outside world is that of a warrior, anyone meeting me for the first time or even the 100th time would not be given an inkling as to my inner demons.
    The Journey we take from the place we are standing where everything is already broken, dictates to a large degree how well we cope with the direction it travels. In my head the journey is still shaped and to a large degree already controlled by the past. It depends whether I am strong enough to travel the new path in spite of the past or allow it to dictate my choices in the present for the future. Does that make sense? I’m not sure.
    I was very broken inside for a very long time, I no longer consider that to be true, although I do consider myself still shadow dominated I believe I have managed to create a larger degree of balance from Persona than ever before. Regardless, this journey is not for the fainthearted and I still find it an arduous and painful road to walk upon. Just sometimes I would like to put down my big sword and shield and say enough, I want to hide away forever. I don’t do it, but I want to.
    It is not our responsibility to understand the reasons why our parents hurt our hearts and minds with their choices Michael, it is our responsibility to not hurt ourselves or our own children by making the same poor choices. We owe ourselves and those we make, the right to experience happiness and a life that is full of the things we choose rather than the pain from the past blighting every step. I believe you’ve achieved that balance for yourself.
    My heart breaks for the small boy you once were and the unutterable pain and loss you have suffered, but it soars proudly for the man you have made from the ashes of your past.
    Should you fuck every woman in the world or make love to every woman? Do both Michael, each has its own pleasure to offer and every woman should meet at least one man in her lifetime who understands himself sufficiently well that he is able to understand her needs and can reach inside and feed that need, she his in return. I believe you called it ‘erotic flow’. the give and take, push and pull and collision of energy that we all crave but few are fully capable of experiencing because they don’t fully understand themselves on a fundamental level.

    1. Gem, please feel this soulful hug across the miles. Thank you so much for sharing such a heartfelt reaction and your kind sentiments.❤️Your experience with your shadow/persona is so interesting. I imagine your awareness of these states of mind, regardless of terms used, is a big reason you have been able to successfully navigate a positive path forward. Your submissive desires (though you resist) seems to be tapping into your shadow by allowing you to give up control and put down your sword. I think cuckolding plays for me in a similar way as long as the intimacy and sensuality remain. I feel like I’m avoiding the essence of this story. I don’t go back to read it very often and try not to think do deeply about it. As you have done, I’m forging a new path as best I can and do exist in a wonderfully positive state of mind. I wish that for everyone and it is important to model that behavior. As for your recommendation on women, I hope that I have been that to at least one woman though I have strived to be this for many. My greatest sorrow, over time, became my greatest gift. 💝💞

  36. Howl. Lo siento. I feel it. Beautiful, thoughtful, raw, piece of writing. Glad you make and share.

    1. Thank you so much Casey 🤗💝I appreciate your visit and kind words.

  37. So sorry for your loss and nay her soul continue to rest in peace.

    Losing the people we love by suicide is the most painful experience ever. We live with so much guilt, thinking maybe we should have seen the signs and tried to help. It’s really painful.
    Remain strong my brother

    1. Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. Though many years have passed, moments of kindness like you shared still mean so much.✨

  38. This post is so beautiful, and I love the outpouring of understanding and support that it triggered. Thanks so much for sharing this deeply personal journey of your life. Working through your mother’s suicide is an odyssey, and I imagine there will continue to be discoveries for your self. Sending love and more healing energy as you move forward. 💜

    1. Thank you, Olivia. 🙏 My blogging adventure has been going on a while and the community, as it used to exist, was so very helpful and supportive. I really appreciate you giving it a read and the encouragement – I can feel the energy 💫

      1. Yes. That community support is really a gift of blogging. 💜

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