Cuckolding (being aroused by my lover having sex with another man) is my favorite sexual fantasy, but it’s a tough fantasy to get my mind around. Society at large seems to find it objectionable, and I have sometimes felt ashamed for harboring such desires of the woman I love. It is an emotionally challenging fantasy because I also crave sensual, romantic, and deeply loving relationships. Given my romantic desires, why does the thought of another man treating my lover like his personal fuck doll excite me so much?
I explore this question of “why” in an ongoing series called Cuckold Psychology. In this series, I dig deeper into the underlying psychological drivers of cuckolding and the different ways men and women experience this fantasy. Ultimately, I hope to emerge with a deeper understanding of my own sexual desires and provide some thought provoking ideas for others to consider.
My first post in this series, Cuckolding – A Brief Introduction, helped me appreciate the surprising popularity of cuckolding. I also developed and proposed what I believe is a somewhat universal definition of cuckolding. Cuckolding, in its purest form, has three essential ingredients:
- A couple that is emotionally committed to one another
- The cuckold’s lover is having sex with another man or men
- This arrangement is exciting for the couple
Beyond this core definition, the fantasy explodes wildly into many different kinks and often becomes a fetish within a fetish. For example, interracial sex frequently appears in cuckold fantasies but doesn’t have to be present in order for a man to be cuckolded. Therefore, it isn’t part of the core definition. Another variation include small penis humiliation or erotic humiliation in general. Again, cuckolding can and does exists without this element and, therefore, not part of the core definition. That said, interracial sex, male chastity, and small penis humiliation are popular variations of the cuckold experience – I’ll explore both in the future.
Cuckolding is a dangerous game involving jealousy and divine ecstasy, shame and gratitude, control and submission, lust and trust, pride and humiliation, etc. You can imagine almost any two contrasting adjectives to describe the emotional highs and lows of being “in love” and the range of those emotions is experienced in the cuckolding. Cuckolding is an intense, mind-bending mind fuck.
I held this fantasy for many years before I felt confident I could mentally master my emotional reaction to the experience and use it as a way to enhance my relationships through naughty sexual adventures. I can think back to high school and remember masturbating while thinking about other guys fucking my girlfriend. Invariably, as soon as I came, the idea made me feel sick. I understood what was going on inside me. It was hot to think about the fantasy, but I feared that if I actually experienced it, I would be jealous and angry with her.
You may be feeling this now as you think about cuckolding. I knew if I couldn’t mentally master my emotional reaction, real-life cuckolding would have the potential to destroy my relationships. This fantasy, like all other fantasies, can be relentless in its demands. After an incredibly intense orgasm, it would take a couple days or even weeks before the thought began to arouse me again, but it always came back and it often came back even stronger.
There are dozens of potential starting points for exploring psychology of cuckolding, but I’d like to start by considering the importance of mind play – the mind fuck. I start here because one of the first reactions people have to cuckolding is that the arrangement doesn’t seem fair for the cuckold. They don’t understand what the cuckold gets out of it. This reaction is driven by the faulty assumption that the only way to experience sexual pleasure is through physical contact. This is not the case for cuckolds. I learned this truth by doing some live, hands on research with cuckold couples.
It Takes One To Know One
Adult dating sites are full of couples looking for another man to join them in their sexy adventure. As you might imagine, there is also an abundance of men lining up to fulfill this unmet need. I know this because there was a time when I fulfilled this desire for couples. In American Gigolo: Rise I describe my first encounter with a couple and how that experience soon launched me into another realm of sexual intrigue and exploration as a “Bull”. In a world where willing men are a dime a dozen, I achieved some modest notoriety as a “preferred male” in relatively high demand by couples.
Why were cuckold couples drawn to me? I can only speculate but believe my profile clearly communicated my understanding of cuckold play. These couples wanted a man that understood and respected their boundaries and one with the sexual savvy to play the role of Bull or Alpha with conviction. Being a good Alpha requires much more than seducing and sexually pleasing another man’s wife or girlfriend. It requires a strong mind game…and, of course, knowing your way around a woman’s body.
Many men wanting to play with couples believe their cock is the most desired attribute. While this may be a factor, the erotic mind is the most desired sexual organ. If you can capture and engage a woman’s mind, her body will follow. There is typically a lot of mind play going on between a hotwife/cuckoldress and cuckold, and the Bull has to enhance that dynamic. The Bull needs to be able to fuck the hotwife/girlfriend well and mind-fuck the cuckold. If the experience isn’t exciting for the hotwife AND the cuckold, there won’t be a repeat performance.
Serving as a Bull for other couples afforded me with a unique opportunity to observe cuckolding up close but from a safe emotional distance. It felt emotionally safe because it wasn’t my lover that was being fucked by another man. I was able to see how real cuckold couples experience the fantasy and learn from them. Fucking another man’s wife while the husband watches is an incredible experience. Yet, I knew there was an even more intense rush to be experienced. I wanted to feel the full intensity of the mind-fuck when watching another man spread my own lover’s legs.
Engaging The Mind
Through personal experience and research, I have come to appreciate cuckolding as a fetish of choice for men that are more cerebrally inclined – thinker personalities. I’m not saying cuckolds are more intelligent, but I am suggesting their mind is heavily engaged in their sexual experience—before, during, and after. A cuckold doesn’t often receive tactile stimulation in the moment. Instead, he is being sexually stimulated by a mind fuck of the highest order.
The underlying driver for this mental stimulation may come from one or many intermingled sources: sexual competition (Sperm Wars), voyeurism, lover experiencing the fuck doll fantasy, Femdom (FLR), erotic humiliation, inversion, compersion, exhibitionism, masochism, and more. I have or will dig deeper into many of these sources of stimulation in future posts but would like to touch on psychological masochism given today’s focus on mind play.
Those of us here in the sexually adventurous shadows of society are familiar with the S (sadism) and M (masochism) in BDSM. We know some people are turned on by whips, chains, spankings, and giving/receiving physical pain in order to elicit sexual arousal or emotional satisfaction. Similarly, a cuckold can become intensely aroused by the mental/emotional pain of watching or knowing his lover is with another man. In fact, sexual psychologists often view cuckolding as a form of psychological masochism. Think about it a little deeper. A cuckold gets off anticipating and watching his lover with her legs spread wide and her moans of ecstasy as another man plows her pussy and pumps his sperm inside her. The cuckold is taking an emotional and mental spanking…and this is erotic wild fire for the cuck.
Another popular kink that engages the mind is D/s. Most of us are familiar with a submissive woman describing the erotic rush she experiences when sinking into her subspace. This sensation is intensified by the degree to which she experiences inversion. If she is typically a strong woman (mentally, emotionally, and/or physically), her sense of self becomes inverted when she enters a sexually submissive state. The same is true of a man that lives his life as a competitive alpha-male but enjoys when his lover cuckolds him with a more endowed, sexually capable man. The inversion of our “normal” status cranks up our erotic rush. While inversion isn’t for everyone, there are those among us (myself included) that find it to be a highly erotic form of sexual play because it engages the mind and creates a disorienting erotic rush.
Merging of the Minds
When it comes to sexual mind play, the erotic layers of domination and submission often take center stage. Cuckolding presents a unique challenge within this dynamic, but it is one we can successfully navigate. The primary challenge is that most men with this fantasy often visualize it through the lens of male submission. At the same time, the majority of women who enjoy mind play (which might include being shared with other men) often want to experience it through their own submission. We end up with a couple with both partners on the submissive side of the power exchange scale.
Through my personal experience in the lifestyle and research, I believe cuckolds are in far more control of the situation than it often appears. We see this in amateur content shared by real-life cuckold couples. The cuckold is often moving around the room taking photos and video. He is like a movie director in control of the naughty scene playing out before his eyes and his lover is the leading lady. Behind the scenes, the primary couple is discussing what they want to experience and their fantasies. They are the ones that love one another and have built or are building a life together.
The cuck is rarely being dominated by the Bull or his lover (unless that is what the cuck wants to experience). This stands in stark contrast to the submissive male/dominant female (FemDom, Domme) scenario most often portrayed as cuckolding by the porn industry. I will explore the differences between the two fantasies in Cuckold vs. FemDom.
One of the women that eventually cuckolded me was a beautiful, sensual girl named Sienna. Our journey into cuckolding presented me with a submissive woman dilemma. My desire was to be cuckolded, and Sienna’s desire was to be submissive. She was open to cuckolding me but saw it as an act of submission to my desires. She explains how this worked in her mind in the post Cuckolding – A Submissive Woman’s Perspective. In real life both partners have sexual desires and fantasies – it isn’t all about the cuckold’s desire. If we are flexible and attentive to one another’s desires, we may indeed get to experience our greatest fantasy.
Communication – Engage The Mind
Open communication is important in any relationship, and it is essential when discussing the possibility of introducing another man into your bedroom. If we are fortunate enough to have a lover that is sexually adventurous, open communication gives us an opportunity to share our desires and potentially merge our sexual fantasies into a unique experience as a couple. A woman may engage with the fantasy at first but only want it to remain in the fantasy realm. However, at some point, a couple may be ready to take it to next level. When this happens, communication takes on a heightened level of importance.
Once a couple has decided to make the transition from cuckold fantasy to reality, the female partner (hotwife/cuckoldress) must remember the importance of mental stimulation for her cuck. This comes from open and transparent communication leading up to the cuckold experience, during if possible, and especially in the afterglow. When a play date with another man is set in motion, the woman will experience the thrilling rush of being pursued by another man and the anticipation of physical pleasure, and the pleasure she will experience when she finally sleeps with this new man.
It is very different for us a cuckolds. We aren’t building towards an experience filled with our own physical ecstasy or the excited rush of being pursued by a new lover. No, our excitement is driven by his our lover’s excitement and the pleasure we hope she experiences with another man. The cuckold’s pleasure comes from this mind fuck, and this can only happen with open, inclusive communication from our lover as she describes her feelings and anticipation of having another man inside her or when sharing and reflecting on that experience. This type of communication fuels the cuckold’s mind fuck, increases our passion and desire for increased intimacy with our girl, and ultimately our emotional commitment within their relationship. It is an erotic ring of fire that burns so hot and bright.
In a healthy relationship, the cuckold play can add to the relationship and is ultimately about the couple’s erotic journey. I hope you found this second foray into cuckolding to be both educational and…mentally stimulating.
- Cuckold Psychology: The Essentials – Links and brief descriptions to a series of posts exploring the erotic layers of the cuckold fantasy
- Sensual Shadows – Brief description and links to my loving, erotic journey with Sienna (includes cuckolding)
- Cuckold Corner: The Interviews – Cuckold Corner is an ongoing series of interviews with men and women who enjoy/fantasize about cuckolding. This index provides links to and brief descriptions about the different interviews