It is a somewhat uncomfortable confession…that it really turns me on to think about my lover with another man. This sexual desire is known as cuckolding. The emotional burn, intense mind-fuck, and physical arousal I experience when watching or knowing my lover is with another man is like nothing I have ever known. This desire must come across as counterintuitive to how most people think about relationships in the vanilla world. Actually, it is counterintuitive, and this is a huge part of the allure.
You see, I am first and foremost a passionate, sensual man that loves and adores women. I am also a professionally driven, highly-competitive, and physically active male. Cuckolding for me is a form of inversion – the reversal of one’s self concept and perceived loss of control. Relinquishing my girl’s pussy to another man works against everything I am supposed to be and feel. It is this intoxicating and mesmerizing sense of inversion that drives a sensation of transcendent ecstasy.
Inversion and its effect on one’s state of mind is something the ancient Greeks associated with Dionysus. I mention this here because it sheds a little light on the title of my blog – The Dionysian Experience.
I have been exploring and trying to understand elements of my cuckold fantasy and cuckolding in general. In Cuckold: A Brief Introduction, I set out to identify a core definition shared by all cuckolds and some of the “fetish within a fetish” layers often associated with cuckolding. My second post, Cuckold: Mind Bender is a deeper dive into the importance of mental stimulation in the cuckold experience.
Sperm Wars is my third foray into the psychology of cuckolding and explores the effect of male competition on sex drive. While the Sperm Wars effect exists outside of cuckolding, it is often an erotic layer found within cuckold sexual play. The idea of sexual competition was elucidated in Sperm Wars by Dr. Robin Baker and published to critical acclaim and controversy in 1996. My exploration of the theory contains elements of Baker’s book along with personal musings as I try to understand “the why” behind one of my most intense sexual desires.
The “Science” of Sperm Wars
Until recently, biologists thought there was only one kind of sperm in semen with one purpose–swim to the egg and inseminate it. Biologists Robin Baker and Mark Bellis found these “egg-inseminators” make up only about one per cent of a man’s sperm count. So, what about the rest? They discovered most sperm don’t swim to the egg at all. Instead, we have “killer” and “defender” sperm. Killer sperm is designed to hunt and destroy the sperm of other men that may also be present in a woman’s pussy. Defender sperm is designed to defend a man’s seed from attack by another man’s killer sperm.
How did this genetic battle come about? Scientists speculate our human ancestors were not monogamous and often several males would mate with one fertile female within the same day and over several days. The cum from these men would then intermingle within the woman fighting for the evolutionary reward of fertilizing her egg.
Reproductive Overdrive – Sperm Wars suggests that most men experience a biological reaction to the thought of their lover being with another man. At a minimum, this stimulation is a reproductive reaction. Scientific research has shown that when men are faced with sperm competition, the results are higher sperm volume, increased sperm motility, and firmer erections along with harder and deeper thrusting. There are also many other reactions that may not be so pleasant such as anger and jealousy. Of course, both extremes often co-exist within each of us and each man must know himself and master his internal swirl. While the “sperm wars” effect is real, it is important to remember that not all men have cuckold fantasies or desire this form of sexual play. Using it to enhance your relationship is playing with fire and needs to carefully navigated.
Sexual Apathy – Sperm Wars theory also suggests men are wired to be aroused by sexual competition. This could partially explain why some men, even if they adore their lover, can experience a diminishing sex drive over time when the threat of sexual competition fades. If a man feels no sexual competition for his lover, his body’s production of sperm and sexual drive may drift lower…conserving energy for a later day or new threat. There are certainly other factors that can contribute to declining sex drive such as overall health. However, if a man suspects his lover is interested in another man, there is a good chance he will begin to compete for her. His attention becomes more like it was in the days when he was first winning her heart. This can lead to a rekindling of the passion and intimacy shared when romantic love reigned supreme.
Fantasies and Love
In The Seven Loves: An Introduction, I explore the interplay of passion, intimacy, and commitment in the formation of seven different types of love. In Romantic Love: Hearts on Fire, I explore the illusion of romantic love as ultimate love and end with the notion of a higher love – consummate or complete love. A burning question remained in that post. Even if we realize the divine fire of romantic love cannot be sustained indefinitely, we still crave some level of passion and intimacy. How do we keep the fire burning with enough moments of fiery eruptions to sustain us?
If we embrace and explore one another’s fantasies (cuckolding, D/s, or whatever makes you hot), there is an opportunity to catch moments of the divine bliss found in romantic love by fueling ongoing cycles of passionate and intimate connections with our lover. A lifetime of love and shared experiences would certainly qualify as commitment – the third arm in the triangle of love theory.
Alternatively, we can deny our lover’s fantasies and proclaim that “I should be enough” or assert that “Your fantasies are weird”. We can cling to a vanilla sexual existence and make our partner feel bad without even attempting to open our mind to understanding our lover’s desires. If we choose this route, do we really accomplish anything? No, our lover just stops sharing with us. Their desires don’t vanish. Instead, they will turn to other outlets to fulfill those desires.
I explored the concept of anima/animus (the divine projection from one’s soul of his/her ideal woman/man) in Romantic Love: Hearts on Fire. It is likely that a sexual element is connected to this divine projection. If we can tap into our lover’s sexual fantasies and explore them on some level, we can create moments of divine ecstasy. A woman can embody (intermittently) her man’s anima and become the real-life expression of his soul’s Aphrodite.
In turn, a man can do the same for his lover. We can momentarily tap into the archetypes of Eros, Dionysus, Apollo, etc. and use them as portals to transcendent divine ecstasy. We must remember though, these are transient states. No one can indefinitely sustain the divine projection of another’s soul (anima/animus). This is the realm of the gods (archetypes) where anything is possible. Yet, though we may hold this energy briefly, it is too powerful and perfect for mortals to hold and infinitely sustain. Trying to do so and expecting others to do so is where Romantic Love fails us over time.
Tapping Into Sperm Wars and Cuckolding
Tapping into sperm wars and cuckolding (or any sexual play) must be done with emotional commitment and the ultimate aim being to fuel the passion and intimacy of the couple. This is about lovers having fun as a couple and enhancing their relationship. If you are in love with your man and discover he finds this exciting, it can be a powerfully erotic and connecting experience for both of you.
I’ve come across some scholarly research on sexual behavior that reports 58% of men are aroused by the thought of watching their lover with another man. Think about this ladies, if you go on a double date the statistics suggest that one of the men at that table has a cuckold fantasy. It might even be your man.
How can we tap into this heightened state of sexual arousal fueled by the notion of Sperm Wars? It is worth noting up front that a woman doesn’t actually have to have sex with another man to create the Sperm Wars effect. Even the possibility of sexual competition or exploration through erotic story telling with one another is enough to get a man’s biological engines humming. That said, making it real can take it to another level.
For men that embrace sexual competition or have cuckold fantasies, the drive to reclaim our sexy girl is intense! In such a moment, I can feel the maximum length and thickness of my throbbing erection and the aching fullness of my balls. I am transported to the edge and bask in the full power and tension between light and darkness.
There is also the raw biological drive explored earlier in this post. Then, there is the passion of romantic love exploding during the reclaiming, reconnecting, and afterglow. Mentally, emotionally, and physically…the perfect erotic whirlwind engulfing me and my lover.
While this exploration has been focused on my desires (the male perspective), I am sensitive and attentive to my lover’s experience within this journey. Cuckolding is a delicate dance with the ultimate purpose always being to enhance the couple’s relationship. It isn’t for everyone…no fetish or sexual play is. It is about showing and sharing love…it is about the couple’s naughty adventure together.
I’ll end with this. I once sent an image to a lover that had a woman laying on a bed with cum spilling from her pussy. I shared a little vignette about our own cuckold experience and how crazy hot it was to watch her being fucked by another man. When the loving energy is right, the seeding of passion’s flame looks like this:
“Do you want me to pose for a photo like this for you with another man’s cum spilling out of me? Mmmm, Baby!!! 🔥🔥🔥 I remember our moment so well 🔥💋🔥💋 It is so hot for me to know you loved this moment and how it turned you on as I waited for you with his cum rushing out of me, mmmm!!! Even more so, I love the memory of you having me after…again and again!!!!!!!!! 🔥💋❤️ I’m craving you so much right now…wanting to feel you and share our fantasies…wanting your touch and erotic vibe… I can’t wait to have you Baby!!!! 😘😘😘😘😘💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋I love you!”
- Cuckold Psychology: The Essentials – Links and brief descriptions to a series of posts exploring the erotic layers of the cuckold fantasy
- Sensual Shadows – Brief description and links to my loving, erotic journey with Sienna (includes cuckolding)
- Cuckold Corner: The Interviews – Cuckold Corner is an ongoing series of interviews with men and women who enjoy/fantasize about cuckolding. This index provides links to and brief descriptions about the different interviews