Cuckolding (aroused by my lover having sex with other men) is my favorite sexual fantasy. It is a tough fantasy to get my mind around though. It is something society at large finds objectionable, and I always felt ashamed for harboring such desires for the woman I love. Secondly, and more importantly, I have deeply enjoyed and continue to crave the intimate, sensual, and loving types of relationships I have been fortunate to experience over the years. Given my sensual, romantic desires, why does the thought of my girl having sex with other men excite me so much?
I explore this question of “why” in an ongoing series called Cuckold Psychology. During this journey, I will dig deeper into the underlying psychological drivers of cuckolding and the different ways men and women experience this fantasy. Ultimately, I hope to emerge with a deeper understanding of my own sexuality. Perhaps others will also pick up a thing or two along the way.
The first post in this series was Cuckolding – A Brief Introduction which helped me appreciate the surprising popularity of cuckolding. I also developed and proposed what I believe is a somewhat universal definition of cuckolding – a man who is stimulated by his emotionally committed partner having sex with other men. Cuckolding, in its purest form, has three essential ingredients:
- A couple that is emotionally committed to one another
- The cuckold’s lover is having sex with another man or men
- This arrangement is exciting for the couple
Beyond this core definition, the fantasy explodes wildly into many different spaces and often becomes a fetish within a fetish.
Cuckolding is a dangerous game involving jealousy and divine ecstasy, shame and gratitude, control and submission, lust and trust, pride and humiliation, etc. You can imagine almost any two contrasting adjectives to describe the emotional highs and lows of being “in love” and the range of those emotions is experienced in the cuckolding. As a form of psychological masochism (I will explore this in a moment), cuckolding is an intense, mind-bending, mind fuck.
I held this fantasy for many years before I felt confident I could mentally master my emotional reaction to the experience and use it as a way to enhance my relationships through naughty sexual adventures. I would frequently masturbate while thinking about watching the woman I loved being fucked by another guy. Invariably, as soon as I came, the idea made me feel sick. It would take a couple days or even weeks before the thought began to arouse me again, but it always came back. This fantasy, like all other fantasies, can be relentless in its demands. I understood what was going on inside me though. It was hot to think about the fantasy, but I feared that in my afterglow I would be jealous and angry with her. If I could not mentally master my emotional reaction, I knew it was a potential fire that could sweep across and destroy a relationship.
There are dozens of potential starting points this exploration, but I’d like to start by considering the importance of mind play – the mind fuck. I start here because one of the first reactions people (even those who sexually open minded) have to cuckolding is that the arrangement doesn’t seem fair for the cuckold, and they don’t understand what the cuckold gets out of it. This reaction is driven by the assumption that the only way to experience sexual pleasure is through physical pleasure. I learned this was not the case at all by doing some live, hands on research with cuckold couples.
It Takes One To Know One
Adult dating sites are full of couples looking for another man to join them in their sexy adventure. As you might imagine, there is also an abundance of men lining up to fulfill this unmet need. I know this because there was a time when I fulfilled this desire for couples. In American Gigolo: Rise I describe my first encounter with a couple and how that experience soon launched me into another realm of sexual intrigue and exploration as a “Bull”. In a world where willing men are a dime a dozen, I achieved some modest noteriety and was a “preferred male” in relatively high demand by couples.
Why were cuckold couples drawn to me? I can only speculate but believe my presence was distinctive, erotic (vs pornographic), and clearly communicated my understanding of cuckold play. These couples wanted a man that understood and respected their boundaries and one with the sexual savvy to play the role of Bull or Alpha with conviction. Being a good Alpha requires much more than seducing and sexually pleasing another man’s wife or girlfriend. It requires a strong mind game…and, of course, knowing your way around a woman’s body.
Many men wanting to play with couples believe their cock is the most desired attribute. While this may be a factor, the erotic mind is the most desired sexual organ. If you capture and engage a woman’s mind, her body will follow. There is typically a lot of mind play going on between a hotwife and cuckold, and the Bull has to enhance that dynamic. The Bull needs to be able to fuck the hotwife/girlfriend well and mind-fuck the cuckold. If the experience isn’t exciting for the hotwife AND the cuckold, there won’t be a repeat performance. I was invited back frequently for encore performances and even had a few standing gigs.
Serving as a Bull for other couples afforded me with a unique opportunity to observe cuckolding up close but from a safe emotional distance. It felt emotionally safe because it wasn’t my lover that was being fucked by another man. I was able to see how real cuckold couples experience the fantasy and learn from them. Fucking another man’s wife while the husband watches is an incredible experience. Yet, I knew there was an even more intense rush to be experienced. I wanted to feel the full intensity of the mind-fuck when watching another man spread my own lover’s legs.
Engaging The Mind
Through personal experience and research, I have come to appreciate cuckolding as a fetish of choice for men that are more cerebrally inclined – thinker personalities. I’m not saying cuckolds are more intelligent, but I am suggesting their mind is heavily engaged in their sexual experience—before, during, and after. A cuckold doesn’t often receive tactile stimulation in the moment. Instead, he is being sexually stimulated by a mind fuck of the highest order. The underlying driver for this mental stimulation may come from one or many intermingled sources: sexual competition (Sperm Wars), voyeurism, lover experiencing the fuck doll fantasy, Femdom (FLR), erotic humiliation, inversion, compersion, exhibitionism, masochism, and more. I have or will dig deeper into many of these sources of stimulation in future posts but would like to touch on psychological masochism given today’s focus on mind play.
Those of us here in the sexually adventurous shadows of society are familiar with the S (sadism) and M (masochism) in BDSM. We know some people are turned on by whips, chains, spankings, and giving/receiving physical pain in order to elicit sexual arousal or emotional satisfaction. Similarly, a cuckold can become intensely aroused by the mental/emotional pain of watching or knowing his lover is with another man. In fact, sexual psychologists often view cuckolding as a form of psychological masochism. Think about it a little deeper. A cuckold gets off anticipating and watching his lover with her legs spread wide and her moans of ecstasy as another man plows her pussy and pumps his sperm inside her. The cuckold is taking an emotional and mental spanking…and this is erotic wild fire for the cuck.
Another popular kink that engages the mind is D/s. Most of us are familiar with a submissive woman describing the erotic rush she experiences when sinking into her subspace. This sensation is intensified by the degree to which she experiences inversion. If she is typically a strong woman (mentally, emotionally, and/or physically), her sense of self becomes inverted when she enters a sexually submissive state. The same is true of a man that lives his life as a competitive alpha-male but enjoys when his lover cuckolds him with a more endowed, sexually capable man. The inversion of our “normal” status cranks up our erotic rush. While inversion isn’t for everyone, there are those among us (myself included) that find it to be a highly erotic form of sexual play because it engages the mind and creates a disorienting erotic rush.
Communication – Merging of the Minds
We all have our kinks with different underlying psychological drivers. If we are fortunate enough to have a lover that is sexually adventurous, we have an opportunity to blend our sexual fantasy with her desires to form a unique experience as a couple. To this end, open, thoughtful communication is essential. This is true in any relationship and especially in cuckolding. I share a personal experience of this in the post Cuckolding – A Submissive Woman’s perspective. A key takeaway from this is that in a real life, both partners have sexual desires and fantasies – it isn’t all about the cuckold’s desires.
Power play is another kink that falls within the large BDSM umbrella and is often layered onto cuckold play. Interestingly, there appears to be a significant disconnect between here between those that fantasize about cuckolding and those that actually experience cuckolding. Most commonly, I see the “fantasy” expressed through scenes featuring a dominant female and submissive male. This is certainly how porn sites portray cuckolding. In real life though, the cuckold is far less likely to be submissive. More commonly, as seen in content shared by real-life cuckolds, the cuckold is moving around the room taking photos and video. He is like a movie director in control of the naughty scene playing out before his eyes.
As I mentioned earlier, cuckolding is a journey for the couple, not just the male half and this is part of the disconnect between real life and fantasy cuckolding. If we think about percentages, statistics show a woman far more likely to have submissive fantasies (she craves a Dom, Sir, or Daddy). A woman with submissive desires may still be open to sleeping with other men, but she would frame it as an act of submission. She may even tease her lover about having a little penis too (if that excites him), but she will expect and deserve to be spanked for being so naughty.
Another possible disconnect is really the true nature of primary sexual desire of the men. Is it Femdom or is it cuckolding they truly crave? As men harboring cuckold desires, we have to dig deeper to understand what erotic factors are truly working on our mind? Only then, can we discuss our desires with our lover. A woman may be open to dominating you but not open to having sex with other men. Or, she may be open to sex with other men but may not want to dominate you. I explore this more thoroughly in the post Cuckolding vs. Femdom.
Sticking with the theme of communication, it is essential that the couple discusses and understands one another’s boundaries. This will go a long way toward ensuring the experience is hot and sexy, rather than hurtful. Once a line has been crossed, it can’t be undone and the last thing a couple wants to do is hurt the relationship. I share a personal example of exploring boundaries in Cuckold Boundaries – The Other Man’s Cum. In this post, I guide a former lover through a few potential cuckold scenarios to understand what she does and doesn’t want to happen.
Another element of communication is the erotic dialogue leading up to the cuckold experience. As this is playing out, the woman experiences the rush of being pursued by another man and the anticipation of physical pleasure she will soon experience with this new man. It is very different for the cuckold. He isn’t building towards an experience filled with his own physical ecstasy or the excited rush of being pursued by a new lover. No, the cuck’s excitement is driven by his lover’s excitement. The cuckold’s pleasure comes from this mind fuck, and this can only happen with open, inclusive communication from the cuckoldress as she describes her feelings and anticipation of having another man inside her. In turn, the cuckold’s mind fuck increases his passion, desire for increased intimacy with his lover, and, ultimately, the emotional commitment within their relationship. It is an erotic ring of fire that burns so vividly.
With most sexual kinks, we have to acknowledge that a significant childhood emotional event may have some impact on our sexuality. As I dig a little deeper for personal insight, I think back to my Shadows post which, in part, explored the impact of my mother’s suicide. As a sensual spirit, my desire to be cuckolded could be a counter-phobic reaction to fear of loss. Instead of fearing the loss of someone I love, I am drawn to it. I create a space where I squarely face and master my darkness. I won’t discount this life event as playing some role in my sexual psyche.
In a healthy relationship, the cuckold experience can add to the relationship and is ultimately about the couple’s erotic journey. I hope you found this second foray into cuckolding to be both educational and…mentally stimulating.
- Cuckold Psychology: The Essentials – Links and brief descriptions to a series of posts exploring the erotic layers of the cuckold fantasy
- Sensual Shadows – Brief description and links to my loving, erotic journey with Sienna (includes cuckolding)
- Cuckold Corner: The Interviews – Cuckold Corner is an ongoing series of interviews with men and women who enjoy/fantasize about cuckolding. This index provides links to and brief descriptions about the different interviews