Setting the Stage
Erotic Humiliation is consensual humiliation that produces sexual arousal. This definition seems pretty clear, but it is much too superficial to satisfy my craving for deeper understanding. Therefore, it is time for another exploration of sexual psychology in an ongoing series I call “Exploring the Layers”.
I begin my exploration of erotic humiliation with several objectives in mind:
- Provide a thoughtful introduction to the psychology of erotic humiliation
- Develop an understanding of why some people (including myself) enjoy this kink
- Explore the influence of erotic humiliation in three of my favorite sexual kinks: Small Penis Teasing/Humiliation, Cuckolding, and Exhibitionism
Erotic Humiliation & Masochism
Erotic humiliation is a sexual kink that can and does exist independent of other fetishes. However, it is likely that our awareness of this kink (if we have noticed it at all) comes from seeing it interwoven with other more well-known fetishes such as D/s, Cuckolding, and Femdom to name a few. There is typically an accompanying element of submission at play for the person being humiliated but this is not always case. For example, a person may enjoy erotic humiliation but may not enjoy being ordered around or entering into a state of submission. Similarly, a person may enjoy being submissive but not enjoy any form of humiliation.
Most of us are familiar with masochism (the “M” in BDSM) which is said to elicit deeply satisfying (emotional and/or physical) release/pleasure through pain. Erotic humiliation is a form of masochism and can be psychological and/or physical. When administered verbally, it serves as a form of psychological masochism. In a sense, it is an emotional spanking. This emotional spanking is a sensation I often mention in my discussions of cuckolding. A cuckold may experience erotic humiliation while watching his lover being satisfied by another man and this excites him.
Erotic Humiliation – Psychological Origin
Where might the masochistic desires for erotic humiliation or other forms of pain that generate sexual pleasure come from? Discussing all the possible answers to this question are a bit beyond my scope for this article. In general though, behavioral psychologists believe most of our behaviors (sexual and non-sexual) have at least some roots that trace back to our childhood and, perhaps, compounded by triggering events as young adults.
The masochistic desire for erotic humiliation could stem from feelings of abandonment, powerlessness, insecurity, inadequacy, rejection, detachment, emptiness, guilt, or shame. Even if we can pinpoint a significant negative childhood event or events, it doesn’t mean that we necessarily sexualized that feeling by transferring it into a kink or a fetish that now gives us control and pleasure.
If we have sexualized these feelings , we can go two ways with this negative experience. We might think about it in the context of phobic or counter-phobic reactions. For example, someone that felt powerless as a child may gravitate towards being a Dom or Domme to take control of that sense of powerlessness. In contrast, a person may sexualize that sense of powerlessness and find sexual arousal in tapping into that feeling of powerlessness. This also provides a sense of control in that we are embracing our fear and finding pleasure in it.
I can think back to a couple early heartbreaks as a teenager where the impact may have been a bit more emotionally intense than expected when layered against the backdrop of my mother’s suicide. Well, that’s about as far as I want to peel that onion back for now. If you want to read more about the psychological impact of significant early childhood events, please check out my Shadows: Origin post.
Communication, Consent, and Context
Erotic humiliation, as with any form of sexual experimentation, requires context, consent, a high degree of awareness, and open communication to ensure the result is desirable, rather than abusive. For example, a man or woman may enjoy being humiliated in some ways but be genuinely crushed and devastated if humiliated or insulted in other ways.
Erotic humiliation can become extreme enough to be considered a form of edgeplay as emotional boundaries can be pushed to their extreme. Without caution, erotic humiliation can destroy a relationship and even a person’s self-esteem. Discussing boundaries, use of a safeword, aftercare, and easing into erotic humiliation is a always a good approach.
We should also remember that erotic humiliation is all about context and the mindset of those involved. What may feel humiliating and arousing to one person, may strike another as humiliating (not erotically) and hurtful. On the other hand, some folks may not even consider the act at hand to be humiliating at all. In most cases there is a triad of reactions to a particular act: 1) humiliating and arousing 2) humiliating and not arousing 3) not humiliating.
Consider this example: As a man experiencing a cuckold scene, I have just watched another man fuck my woman and he just released his heavy load inside her. She looks at me with dreamy, lust-filled eyes as she spreads her legs before me and shows me her overflowing, cum-filled pussy.
Or maybe the scene looked like this…
She wants me to clean her up…with my tongue. There are three basic reactions here for a cuckold:
- Eating her creampie is not humiliating and just a fun part of the overall sexual experience. I do it with no sense of humiliation.
- Eating her creampie is humiliating and, because of that, the act is extremely arousing. I perform the act and the humiliation intensifies my sexual arousal.
- Eating her creampie would be humiliating and, because of that, there is no arousal associated with it. I pass on the “opportunity”.
I would select “B”. As a straight man that fantasizes about cuckolding with a deep, slow burn of erotic humiliation running though it, the thought of eating another man’s cum from my lover’s pussy strikes me as incredibly embarrassing and humiliating. Yet, the thought of it is so extremely arousing. Clearly, erotic humiliation (in some forms) is one underlying driver of my cuckold fantasy. However, I have zero interest in another man’s cum outside this scenario and context. It is erotic humiliation that drives my sexual arousal in this scene.
Small Penis Teasing
I mentioned earlier that erotic humiliation and submission are distinct sexual kinks and this distinction resonates with me. I actually have a personal example to illustrate my point. (Deep breath) So…here it is. I enjoy a kink known as Small Penis Teasing (aka, Small Penis Humiliation). I prefer to say “teasing” rather than “humiliation” because it better reflects the tone of how I like to experience it…a more sensual tone and phrasings rather than harshly spoken. Whether I actually have a small penis or not doesn’t really matter…this state of mind can always be created if desired.
While I do get off big time on small penis teasing (SPT), I have no real excitement around being dominated or bossed around by my lover or anyone for that matter. Femdom is not my thing. In fact, I fall on the dominant side more often than not. A possible exception to this might be my enjoyment of the “cock cage” discussed in Achilles Last Stand.
How does Small Penis Teasing work for me? I strive in my relationships to provide my lover with the most amazing sexual experiences of their lives. I want to activate her senses, body, mind, heart, and soul to create transcendent sexually charged, emotionally activating, light swirling ecstasy…and love. That is my goal, individual results may vary.
Once fantasy exploration begins, I want my lover to “admit” that my cock is small…shorter and thinner than she craves. I want her to tease me about having a little cock and admit that she craves a larger, thicker cock…preferably a Big Black Cock. Will she feel these things initially? Probably not. But, in time, I will make it safe for her to express these feelings and desires. And, I will fuck her hard and spank her sexy ass for be so naughty! SPT is exciting to me but it tends to elicit a more dominant than submissive reaction.
Humiliation and Cuckolding
Cuckolding is a sexual kink where the woman in an emotionally committed relationship has sex with a man (or men) outside her primary relationship. And, the man (cuckold) and woman (cuckoldress/hotwife) in this relationship find the arrangement exciting. Though we sometimes pretend it isn’t so, cuckolding is about the couple…it is their naughty adventure together as a loving couple. Cuckolding is one of my favorite kinks and I have written extensively about it. You can my writings devoted to the sexual psychology of cuckolding here: Cuckold Psychology – The Essentials.
How does humiliation blend with cuckolding? It doesn’t take much to get the erotic humiliation juices flowing in a cuckold scene. Some cuckolds (not all) find the basic cuckold scenario to be humiliating. Just knowing another man is fucking and staking his claim deep inside your woman is more than enough to elicit a sense of shame and humiliation for most cuckolds.
The sensation is ramped up if it is clear our lover is really enjoying herself and the man has a larger cock. However, not all cuckolds feel this is an humiliating experience. Some see the experience as a gift of pleasure to their woman and are instead filled with pride that other men find their woman so sexy and desirable. Most cuckolds enjoy both aspects – gift of pleasure and pride as well as erotic humiliation.
Beyond the basic cuckold scenario, there are many ways to amp up the intensity of erotic humiliation in cuckold play. In my post, American Gigolo: The Cuckold Contract, I included many examples of erotic of humiliation in the contract I prepared for Timothy and his wife. I won’t go into them here but encourage you to read that post if you are curious.
Erotic Humiliation and Exhibitionism
I’ve previously explored the psychology of exhibitionism and my interest in this kink (independent of any erotic humiliation) in the post – Exhibitionism – Exploring the Layers. This has been one of my more popular posts, and I hope you will check it out. Exhibitionism can exist alone as a kink, and it can also be layered into erotic humiliation and cuckolding.
We can increase the intensity of erotic humiliation and arousal by experiencing it in a more public manner with others witnessing our “humiliation”. Whenever I share my cuckold and, now, small penis teasing kinks here on WordPress, I feel an erotic rush. This isn’t the highest level of exhibitionism because I am still somewhat anonymous. Yet, I feel a great connection with many of you and, in some ways, you know me on a deeper level than most. It feels intense and personal to share these things (and yes, arousing).
Erotic Humiliation is consensual humiliation that produces sexual arousal. It is a form of masochism (physical and/or psychological) and falls within the realm of BDSM. Erotic humiliation can exist as an independent kink or be layered in with other sexual kinks (e.g., D/s, small penis teasing, exhibitionism, and cuckolding). Erotic humiliation, as with any form of sexual experimentation, requires context, consent, a high degree of awareness, and open communication to ensure the result is desirable, rather than hurtful.