Setting the Stage
Neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam analyzed one billion sex-related search terms as research for their 2012 book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts. They found that cuckold-related searches rank #2 among most searched for sexual content on the internet. Ogas and Gaddam drilled down even deeper. After gaining access to the database of a popular cuckold erotica site, they identified the following as the most common two-word search phrases: Black Cock #1, Black Man #2, and Big Black #6. Cuckolding and interracial sex are separate fetishes but they are often intertwined in sexual fantasies and, as the data suggests, very popular.
The distinction between interracial relationships in general and interracial sex as a kink should be noted. The former refers to people falling in love without regard to ethnic differences. The latter sexualizes and eroticizes ethnic differences and is the focus of my exploration. The interracial sex fetish flows both ways and isn’t only the sexual fetishization of black men by “some” white people. There are also “some” black men that fetishize white women and white wives. Each derives added sexual pleasure from the interracial layers of these sexual liaisons.
My interviews are intended to uncover commonalities and differences in how people perceive and experience the interracial cuckold fantasy.
Carol Ann is a 33 year-old, white female married to a doctor that is several years her senior. Carol Ann once wrote about an affair she had several years ago with a young black man. I was fascinated by her story and reached out to see if she would be interested in sitting through an interview to discuss the allure of interracial sex and The Black Mystique.
After explaining my intent and exposing her to my blog, she agreed. Based on how cuckolding is practiced as a fetish, Carol’s story isn’t really cuckolding since it wasn’t something she and her husband shared. However, it does shed some real-world perspective on the potential allure of black men to white women and opens up my exploration of the psychology behind the black mystique.
Michael: Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Carol Ann: Sure. I’m nervous but interested in talking with you about this. You seem well informed on the subject already so I’m not sure I can tell you much that you don’t already know. I’m hoping it may clear some things up for me though.
Michael: You are very kind. The thoughtful perspective of women on this topic is something that is missing in the larger discussion of interracial cuckolding and interracial sex. What you share will be an important contribution.
Carol Ann: We’ll see.
Michael: I understand your husband is a doctor. Most of us would imagine you have a nice standard of living and enjoy the comfort and luxury that comes with it. What was missing in your life that led to your affair?
Carol Ann: His work takes so much of his time. He spends long hours from home at his clinic, in the hospital, or traveling for medical conferences. Whenever he is home, he seems exhausted and has little energy left for me. I felt emotionally and physically neglected.
Michael: Unfortunately, far too many women can identify with this. Did you ever talk with him about how you felt?
Carol Ann: I did but he only dismissed my feelings as silly and immature. He points around the house and tells me how his work has provided for everything we enjoy and a lifestyle beyond what we ever imagined. It provides vacations for us all over the world and will allow our children to attend the best universities and secure their futures. For all of this, he tells me I should be more supportive of him and more attentive to what he needs.
Michael: How does it make you feel when he says that?
Carol Ann: He has given me a lot and I do appreciate everything he has done. I take care of the house and children and don’t ask him for much. I try to do things for him and be sexually available to him. He’s just not interested in sitting and talking with me and certainly not interested in sex. The thing is, I’m a person too and I also have needs…social, emotional and sexual needs. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to touch me or seem to need sex. I wish he saw me as beautiful and desirable. What am I supposed to do?
While I don’t know Carol Ann’s husband, I suspect this is a classic example of the cognitive dissonance he finds in the contrasting pull of the Hestia (goddess of the hearth) and Aphrodite (sexual goddess) archetypes. He wants a wife that raises their children, tends to the home, and takes care of him – Hestia. He doesn’t want to see his wife as a sexual being – Aphrodite. Carol Ann wants to be Hestia but also wants to embrace her sexuality which is being repressed. I discuss this in more length in Hestia vs. Aphrodite – Cognitive Dissonance.
Michael: Trust me, you are a beautiful woman and have really taken care of yourself. Your erotic mind is spectacular too. He is definitely missing out. If you don’t mind me asking, how often do you and your husband have sex?
Carol Ann: Thank you, Michael. Flattery will get you everywhere! The feeling is mutual…
Michael: Now you are making me blush, thank you.
Carol Ann: You are humble and confident, I like that in a man. Okay, sex with my husband? We usually have sex only after I complain, which isn’t often. Even then, it feels very perfunctory and devoid of any passion. Honestly, it is barely worth complaining about. Maybe once or twice a year. I think some years have passed without us having sex at all.
Michael: Sorry to hear that. This puts you in a tough spot. Human touch, intimacy, and feeling desired is something we all need. So, time passed as your disappointment rose. Then you met DeMarcus. Tell me about this young black man.
Carol Ann: Oh DeMarcus, he is such a dear, delightful young man. I met him while we were both doing some volunteer work. He played football for the local college and was often volunteering at these events too. He exuded such vitality, spontaneity, and virility. DeMarcus was so full of fun and always made me laugh.
Michael: So, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I am exploring the psychology around interracial sex as a kink. People sometimes eroticize ethnic differences. For example, a white male may eroticize Asian women and vice versa. The same is sometimes true of black men and white women. Do you think you were drawn to DeMarcus in a unique way because he was black?
Carol Ann: Oh my, this is uncomfortable.
Michael: Take your time. This question is really gets to central point of inquiry for this interview.
Carol Ann: I don’t know, this is hard. I’m feeling rather flustered right now having your attention and talking about sex.
Michael: So perfectly naughty aren’t you? Going back to that moment in your life, do you think it would have felt equally exciting to have the same attention from a young white man at that point in your life?
Carol Ann: I’m being vague, sorry dear. I just have so many thoughts and feelings about all of this and sometimes they feel like they contradict one another. To answer your question – yes. I found it immensely exciting to have a black man flirting with me and making me feel sexy, appreciated, and desired. I would have still been flattered with another man but the whole dynamic changed with DeMarcus being black.
Michael: Tell me more about this “dynamic”?
Carol Ann: I’ve been thinking about this since you first contacted me. So, I was feeling a lot of things but I can’t deny that if felt very taboo and it made everything extra exciting. Throughout my life, it was made very clear to me and all my friends that it was unacceptable to date black boys. This admonishment would follow with a list of negative attributes to include them being over-sexed. We were told that what they really wanted more than anything was to sexually ravage us and ruin us with their over-sized sexual organ. If we were to ever allow this to happen, we would be cast away and left to fend for ourselves. Having sex with a black boy would change our lives. It all felt very scary as a young girl, but it also made me curious. In some ways, it made me want to do it even more.
Michael: Wow, this is great insight you are sharing. I appreciate the transparency. Give me just a moment to take this in.
Carol makes an interesting point here about the “taboo” of interracial sex between black men and white women. Personally, I believe there are a handful of additional psychological drivers behind interracial sex which I will explore in the future. She even touches on a few them throughout the interview. Without going into it, I think we can recognize the shameful origin of how it came to be taboo. While fading, the taboo nature of it still lingers for some. In some ways, the rising popularity of interracial sex is a sign that the times are a changing.
There is more to this dynamic though. Sexual repression of women in general is something that has been going on for centuries as we morphed from matriarchal to patriarchal societies. The notion of sex being a sin, shameful, or something good girls don’t do is a relatively new behavioral expectation and one that isn’t applied equally to men and women.
The unification of black men and white women is, in a sense, rebellion against artificial societal constructs. Rebellion and liberation from societal oppression and structure is the realm of the Greek god Dionysus (explored and discussed throughout my blog). It is the archetype of Dionysus calling to the oppressed to be free, return to nature, and embrace pleasure and ecstasy.
Michael: So, as you were growing up you perceived black men as being dangerous, more sexual, and as possessing larger….cocks.
Carol Ann: Yes, we felt like they might split us in two or at least ruin us for any potential white suitor.
Michael: As you think about this now, how do such childhood tales of caution stand up over time?
Carol Ann: That attitude does seem like a relic from another era. I will never have such conversations with my daughters. I can’t even imagine saying such things. I only want them to be happy and it doesn’t matter what the boy looks like as long as he loves her and takes care of her. This was true even before I began having sex with black men. I think things like this are still said in some homes but, overall, it is fading with time and the passing of each generation. Younger people are more open minded these days and better informed.
Michael: I totally agree with this assessment. You mentioned having a curiosity about the size of black men. Can you describe the appeal of a large cock to you?
Carol Ann: Gosh, this is so embarrassing. Before I married, I dated a couple of other boys. I wanted to have sex but felt like I had to make each of them wait for a long time. It was what a good girl was supposed to do, right? If I had sex too early, they would think badly about me and I would get a bad reputation. That would have been the most shameful thing ever. Even when I finally did have sex, it was always disappointing. They would get on top of me and orgasm rather quickly. Then, it was over. They all basically had the same size penis and I guess I associated sexual satisfaction with penis size. These men disappointed me and I wanted more. Everyone was saying that black men were over sexed and had big genitalia as if this was supposed to discourage me? No, it is exactly what I was craving! I couldn’t though for fear of being banished from my family and friends and losing all hope of ever getting married.
Michael: The theme around societal pressure and sexual repression is coming through loud and clear. These young men had to wait a long time and I’m sure they were very excited when you finally said yes. Unfortunately, you had a few bad draws with those guys. Did you ever talk to them about your needs?
Carol Ann: No, I didn’t feel like I could. I wasn’t supposed to be a sexual being or want sex for the sake of pleasure. Sex was an act of love and not about pleasure. This is how good girls are supposed to be. I was interested in finding a husband and these men wouldn’t want a woman for a wife that was so focused on sex. They wanted to marry a good girl.
Michael: This tug of war between the “good girl” and “sexy girl” is something we all struggle with. I wrote a bit on this in a paper called Hestia vs. Aphrodite: Cognitive Dissonance. This is something that is very real and tough for women (and men) to successfully navigate. So, earlier you mentioned an association with penis size to heightened sexuality. You have obviously seen DeMarcus nude, were you happy with what you found?
Carol Ann: Oh yes, wow! The first time I saw DeMarcus naked, I was absolutely mesmerized. I felt overwhelmed yet so appreciative to have the opportunity to be in the presence of such a magnificent specimen. My husband has a penis. DeMarcus didn’t have a penis, he had a large, strong, veiny cock with a plump purplish head possessing a large ridge. My heart and my lady parts tingled with desire. His rich, dark cock commanded my absolute attention and desire!
Michael: Mmmm, that was a really hot visual. Tell me more about sex with DeMarcus?
Carol Ann: That turned you on? Good! I have to keep reminding myself that these things also excite you. I would actually love to interview you sometime.
Michael: You are so sweet and sexy, thank you. As you have seen, I write plenty about my thoughts on this topic and cuckolding throughout my blog. There are a lot more men and women than you might suspect that are turned on by this subject. Why don’t you indulge us all and share a bit your experience with De Marcus.