I was in my early 20’s and spending a Saturday evening at my favorite watering hole. It was closing time but I still wanted to have some fun. Fortunately, there was another club that remained open until 4:00 am. It was a great place to burn off the evening buzz dancing and one last shot at glory. Hope springs eternal. Enter Virginia.

When Virginia waltzed into my world, she was 18. The since no drinks were served after 2:00 am, the 18-20 year olds were allowed in. Sweet Virginia’s eyes twinkled with light as we talked and danced. That twinkle transcends time and space. Despite her age, I was into her. It can be fun on occasion to feel like a time traveler and take a refreshing dip in the fountain of youth.

Our kissing on the dance floor was steamy and sensual. My cock seemed hard for hours and was constantly pressed against her…which she seemed to enjoy and encourage. A whirlwind of pounding music, flashing lights, and smoke enveloped us in a dreamy haze. The rest of the night held great promise until it didn’t. Much to my disappointment, I wasn’t able to whisk Virginia away for a night of pleasure. It happens.

I wasn’t against having a steady lover so we stayed in touch and our connection over the next month. We went out a few times and spent a lot of time just hanging out together and talking. I think she was kind of into dating an “older man”…worldly and sophisticated as I was.

There was a “problem” though with Virginia. She was a virgin. Talk about time travel? We all remember the game, right? He touches her shoulder and tries to move to a breast…she pushes his hand away. He tries to comes in from under the shirt…hand pushed down and away. Squeeze the ass…hand swiped away. Go for a feel between the legs…thighs press tight like a vice grip. Yeah, great memories.

Virginia guarded her charms that like she like she was guarding the gates of life itself. To make matters worse, her desire to actually touch or provide me with any pleasure was clearly an alien concept. She seemed to think it was my gift to be able to provide her pleasure. I can write honestly here, right? I was annoyed. Too much life has passed to play this silly game.

In Shadows I discuss the echo of my mother’s suicide and mention a curious fascination with the scales of Libra and balance. It’s meaning in my conscious mind isn’t fully elucidated yet but I sense it has to do with themes around women such as sex, love, passion, desire etc…. A woman attempting to exert power over me (in a real way, not fantasy play) by controlling sex and using her pussy as a reward/punishment really rubs me the wrong way. She is (in my view) saying, “what I offer you is greater than what you offer me.”

I am a patient man and went through this denial scene with Virginia many (too many) times. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe that a woman should sleep with me just because I want her too. It is her pussy and she can do whatever she wants with it. However, it doesn’t mean I have to like it or hang around until she decides to bestow her divine gift upon me. In fairness to Virginia, she was a virgin. Okay, maybe that makes her “gift” more special at this moment. Still, while it is an admirable desire, I am also free to make choices. I was ready to move on.

I told Virginia I respected her decision but it meant we were done. She didn’t understand. I spent a lot of time listening to her crying and comforting her as we talked around in circles about our situation. We were just at different places in our lives. Sex was a sensual passage to a deeper, more intimate connection for me. My days of struggling with virgins and this game in general were a thing of the past. I was trying to be a good guy. Her pussy was extra special and I wanted to honor that value. She said she didn’t want to lose me and would be willing to give me her virginity. While it was very tempting, I declined. It was never my intent to pressure her into fucking me. I wanted her to want to do it, and now I just wanted to set her free.

I’m back at the apartment chillin’ and feeling content with how I handled Virginia. I was no longer a shell-shocked teenage sex warrior wandering through girls in the aftermath of my mother’s suicide. The fog of war was lifting. The outcome of moments like these had begun to matter. I often think about myself as an old man in the winter of my seasons and want to be able to look back and feel proud of the path I walked with women. I want to be able to feel that warmth in my soul. I had turned a new leaf but…old habits are hard to break.

My doorbell rings and there is pounding on the door followed by Virginia’s sad but still angelic voice. “Michael! Michael! Let me in…I know you’re in there!” I thought, “Fuck. Stop tempting me…” I could feel a familiar force swelling within (not my cock) that made we just want to fuck her and make her pay. Pay for what? Who knows. Pay for the pain women had given me in the past…take a down payment on the pain I would surely face in the future…a little insurance to ensure Libra’s scale remain balanced. A Shadow’s presence is a powerful force.

Increasingly counterbalancing thoughts like these was a soulful clarity where I felt connected to the innocent boy deep within me and what I feel is my true nature…a thoughtful, sensual (and playfully naughty) spirit. As a child, I once failed a science project because I refused to kill insects for an insect collection. That spirit would never want to intentionally hurt anyone. I thought about Virginia’s future and mine…I knew our paths would never merge into one. I truly cared about how she would look back on this special moment in her life. I didn’t want to leave her with painful memories.

The noise on the other side of the door is building. Virginia is crying and pleading with me to let her in. The temptation is strong. It isn’t often that a man has a 18 year-old virgin beating on the door begging to be fucked. Darkness and light were juxtaposed and calling to me. “Open the door and fuck the hell out of the pompous virgin!” On the other side, “Don’t be the dick that breaks her heart and causes her to lose faith.” Damn it, I wanted to fuck her so bad!

“Michael, please! Let me in! I want you to have all of me.” I could imagine her once twinkling eyes now filled with tears. What should have happened naturally and magically between budding lovers became something much larger in my psyche and everything was messy now. I leaned unconvinced into the door with one hand on the bolt lock, “Your future husband will see your virginity as a special gift. It doesn’t mean to me what it means to you. I can’t promise you a future. You’ll regret it one day. We’ve talked about this! I won’t let you in. Go away! We are done!”

I hate seeing a woman cry. All I have to do is turn the lock and open the door to make her smile. She’s a woman now and free to do what she wants…including fucking me, right? I can feel her beautiful little fists beating against the door. I’m sweating and my heart is pounding. I can imagine her bent over clutching the sheets with her face buried in the mattress screaming in divine bliss as I pound her tight, little virgin pussy into submission. Maybe…maybe I could fuck her and it would work out…

No, this visual would have to be enough. I felt like I had already restored some sense of balance in the universe. I didn’t let her in. I didn’t let her have my cock.

A few weeks later, there is a knock at my door one Saturday morning. It had been a late night and I’m groggy…maybe hallucinating. I try to calm down my morning wood as I stumble towards the door while looking around for some shorts. Opening the door, I’m momentarily blinded by the mid-morning sun and feel certain that I’m now hallucinating. A vision of Aphrodite stands before me glowing in the morning sun. Is this a reward for my good deed?

It went down something like this:

Aphrodite (smiling with eyes twinkling) – Hi, hope I didn’t wake you?

Michael (dazed and confused) – Oh no, I’m wide awake.

Aphrodite –  Could I borrow some ice?

Michael (rubbing my eyes and thinking — why, because you’re so fucking hot!?) – Sure, not a problem. Do you live in this building?

Aphrodite  – I live a couple buildings over.…

Michael (a knowing smile forming on my lips) – Well, you’ve come a long way…for ice?

Aphrodite (beginning to blush) – Oh…yes…haha. I really don’t know anyone here and needed ice so I thought about you. I’ve seen you at the pool and around the apartments coming and going. My roommate and I have beeped at you a few times when our cars passed but you must not have heard us because you never looked.

Michael – Ah, I thought you looked familiar. You aren’t easy to miss. Please, step inside.

So, what happened? She came in, we chatted, and fucked. She didn’t leave with any ice but left with plenty of hot cream. Some “doors” refuse to open and others can’t wait to be opened up. I would continue to see “Aphrodite” and we developed a really special relationship. Her actual name is Hannah and I have a story she wrote for me here –  Hannah – Fire and Ice.

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