In Cuckolding: A Brief Introduction, I introduced cuckolding as one of my favorite sexual fantasies, offered a core definition that applies to all forms of cuckolding, discussed the rising popularity of this kink (e.g., #2 most searched for sexual content on the internet), and ended by identifying some additional kinks often layered onto cuckolding. If you haven’t already read this post, I hope you will go back and give it a read.
I hesitantly admit my cuckold desires because of how this kink is commonly portrayed in the world of porn. Cuckolds are often portrayed as a weak, undesirable man wearing panties that enjoys being berated and humiliated by a dominant woman while he is “forced” to watch other men fucking her. While some cuckolds may harbor such fantasies (and that is okay), porn’s portrayal of cuckolding doesn’t accurately capture the essence of cuckolding nor does it reflect my cuckold fantasy.
That said, my cuckold fantasy isn’t the essence of cuckolding either. So, my exploration of cuckolding continues with two overarching objectives:
- Understand the core essence of cuckolding that applies to all cuckolds
- Understand the erotic layers of my cuckold fantasy as well as other common erotic layers frequently associated with cuckolding
Definition and Critical Attributes
What exactly is cuckolding? The meaning of “cuckold” has evolved over time and today we understand it as a term referring to a sexual kink/fetish in which the man is stimulated by his emotionally committed partner having sex with another man or men. In its purest form, cuckolding involves three elements. We have a couple that is emotionally committed to one another, the cuckold’s lover is having sex with another man or men, and this arrangement is exciting for the couple. Beyond this core definition, the fantasy explodes wildly into many different spaces and often becomes a fetish within a fetish.
Takes One to Know One
Adult dating sites and other websites are full of couples looking for other men to fuck the wife/girlfriend. I know this because there was a time when I fulfilled this desire for couples. In American Gigolo: Rise I describe my first encounter with a couple and how that experience soon launched me into another realm of sexual intrigue and exploration. I knew what I was doing and, in a world where willing men were a dime a dozen, I was a “preferred male” in relatively high demand by couples.
The odd thing about this journey as an “American Gigolo” or Alpha/Bull (as we are better know in the lifestyle) is that it felt like I was performing in an play – erotic theater. Looking back on that period, playing a role is exactly what I was doing and should have been doing. Cuckolding is truly erotic theater with the cuckold, bull, and hotwife/cuckoldress each playing their role in one another’s sexual pleasure.
The deeper feelings that led me to this “performance” are explored in the American Gigolo post. Good or bad, I needed to prove to myself that I could attain this level of sexuality…being in high demand by women for their sexual fulfillment.
I was also extremely curious about cuckolding and wanted to observe and experience it up close but from a safe emotional distance. As an “Alpha” I was able to see how real cuckold couples experienced the fantasy and learn from them…while of course fucking another man’s wife (which was also quite exciting). While it was fascinating and very erotic, I felt disconnected from the experience. I can be very naughty, but I am first and foremost a sensual man and need to feel that sensual connection.
Why were these couples drawn to me? In real-life cuckolding, a couple wants someone that understands the sexual game being played. Couples want a man that respects their boundaries as a couple and has the sexual savvy to play a role with conviction. Being an Alpha in the cuckolding realm is much more than sex with another man’s wife. You also have to be able to mind-fuck the cuckold. Believe me, if what you are doing as an Alpha isn’t exciting the cuckold, there won’t be a repeat performance. Alpha “posers” will have you believe they are in control and they may even (naively) believe it. Trust me, in real life it is cuckold that holds the ultimate power and he is the grand conductor of the erotic scene playing out before him. He doesn’t “act” like it because he too is playing a role in this erotic theater.
As an Alpha, I promoted myself and had a profile that was like nothing else out there. It was distinctive, erotic, and clearly communicated my understanding of this sexual play. Couples may have thought my cock was the most important part of their experience. In reality, it was my mind that was the most desired erotic organ. American Gigolo – The Cuckold Contract is something I prepared for a couple (which they signed) that set out my expectations (“acting” as if I was in control) of the couple.
In my personal experience and research, I have come to appreciate cuckolding as a fantasy/fetish of choice for men that are more cerebrally inclined. I’m not saying that cuckolds are more intelligent, but I am suggesting their mind is heavily engaged in their sexual experience—before, during, and after. A cuckold doesn’t often receive tactile stimulation in the moment. Instead, he is being sexually stimulated by a mind fuck of the highest order.
The underlying driver for mental stimulation may come from one or many intermingled sources: exhibitionism, sexual competition (Sperm Wars), voyeurism, interracial sex, power flow (dominant and submissive cuckolds), Femdom, erotic humiliation, and more. Some sexual psychologists view cuckolding as a form of psychological masochism.
Using BDSM as a more common comparator, we understand that some people are turned on by whips, chains, and giving/receiving physical pain in order to elicit sexual arousal or emotional satisfaction. Similarly, a cuckold can be aroused by mental angst as a form of psychological masochism. Think about it a little deeper. A cuckold gets off anticipating, watching, and remembering his lover with her legs spread wide as another man plows her pussy and pumps his sperm inside her. He is taking an emotional and mental spanking…and it drives him wild.
As I dig a little deeper for personal insight, I think back to my Shadows post which, in part, explored the impact of my mother’s suicide. As a sensual spirit, my desire to be cuckolded could be a counter-phobic reaction to fear of loss. Instead of fearing the loss of someone I love, I am drawn to it. I create a space where I squarely face and master my darkness. I won’t discount this life event as playing some role in my psyche. However, at best, it is only a contributing factor. There are more erotic layers that contribute to and intensify the experience for me.
Cuckolding is a dangerous game involving jealousy and divine ecstasy, shame and gratitude, control and submission, lust and trust, pride and humiliation, etc. You can imagine almost any two contrasting adjectives to describe the emotional highs and lows of being “in love” and the range of those emotions is experienced in the cuckolding experience. As a form of psychological masochism, cuckolding is an intense, mind-bending, mind fuck.
I held this fantasy for many years before I felt confident I could mentally master my emotional reaction to the experience and use it as a way to enhance my relationships through naughty sexual adventures. I would frequently masturbate while thinking about watching the woman I loved being fucked by another guy. Invariably, as soon as I came, the idea made me feel sick. It would take a couple days or even weeks before the thought began to arouse me again but it always came back. I understood what was going on inside me though. It was hot to think about the fantasy, but I feared that in my afterglow I would be jealous and angry with her. If I could not mentally master my emotional reaction, I knew it was a potential fire that could sweep across and destroy a relationship.
Merging of the Minds
We all have our kinks and fetishes with different underlying psychological drivers. Fortunately, if our lover is sexually adventurous, we have an opportunity to blend our fantasies/fetishes into a shared fantasy to form a unique experience as a couple. Unlike many cuckolds, I have no desire to be a submissive male…it just doesn’t get me hot. I am still drawn to female submission. As a cuckold, I realize I’m a bit of an outlier here. While I don’t crave female domination, I would be open to it (as sexual play) if it was important to my lover and it was how she wanted to explore cuckolding. In this way, we are both getting our essential hot buttons pushed.
Power play seems quite popular these days, especially among the sexually adventurous. If we think about the percentages, a man is far more likely to meet a woman that has submissive fantasies. This has been my experience and statistics support it. Yet, most cuckolds feel that the fantasy has to flow through a dominant female. Finding a cuckoldress feels you are trying to find a unicorn. It doesn’t have to be this way.
As men harboring cuckold desires, we have to really dig deep to understand what we are really wanting to experience. A woman may be open to dominating you but not open to having sex with other men. Or, she may be open to sex with other men but may not want to dominate you. Maybe your lover craves submission?
The role of a Dominant cuckold may play well in this space. Some people scoff at this notion and will call it an oxymoron. Remember though that dominance and submission is a separate kink and independent of cuckolding. Cuckolding doesn’t even require any power play at all. You can be a dominant male and still get off on seeing your lover with another man. Instead of discussing this, I illustrate this dynamic in the very popular video Naughty Angel (Dominant Cuckold).
Similarly, Sienna (a former lover) once described how she viewed cuckolding as a submissive woman: Cuckolding – A submissive Woman’s Perspective. Sienna saw herself submitting to my desire for her to sleep with another man. It worked for us…really well.
Before wrapping this up, I would like to emphasize the extreme importance of communication in any relationship and especially when cuckolding is used as a form of sexual play for the couple. The erotic dialogue leading up to and after the moment is so very important to the cuckold and is a large part of his experience. It feeds his mind. The excitement and anticipation of what his lover is feeling, thinking, and sharing serves to drive the cuckold’s excitement.
In turn, this mind fuck increases his passion, desire for increased intimacy with his lover, and ultimately the emotional commitment within their relationship. There is likely a Sperm Wars effect which contributes to a cuckold’s reaction to compete sexually. I’ll explore this concept in an upcoming post.
I hope you found this second foray into cuckolding to be both educational and mentally stimulating. In a healthy relationship the cuckolding experience can add to the relationship and is ultimately about the couple’s erotic journey.
- Cuckold Psychology: The Essentials – Core set of essays and interviews with brief descriptions and links.