In Cuckolding: A Brief Introduction, I introduced cuckolding as one of my favorite sexual fantasies, offered a core definition that applies to all forms of cuckolding, described the rising popularity of this kink (e.g., #2 most searched for sexual content on the internet), and ended by identifying some additional kinks often layered onto cuckolding. If you haven’t already read this post, I hope you will go back and give it a read.
I hesitantly admit my cuckold desires because of how this kink is commonly portrayed in the world of porn. The cuckold often portrayed as a weak, undesirable man wearing panties that enjoys being berated and humiliated by a dominant woman while he is “forced” to watch her fuck other men. While some cuckolds may harbor such fantasies (and that is okay), porn’s portrayal of cuckolding doesn’t accurately capture the essence of cuckolding nor does it reflect my cuckold fantasy.
That said, my cuckold fantasy isn’t the essence of cuckolding either. So, my exploration of cuckolding continues with two overarching objectives:
- Understand the core essence of cuckolding that applies to all cuckolds
- Understand the erotic layers of my cuckold fantasy as well as other common erotic layers frequently associated with cuckolding
Definition and Critical Attributes
What exactly is cuckolding? The meaning of “cuckold” has evolved over time and today we understand it as a term referring to a sexual kink/fetish in which the man is stimulated by his emotionally committed partner having sex with another man or men. In its purest form, cuckolding involves three elements. We have a couple that is emotionally committed to one another, the cuckold’s lover is having sex with another man or men, and this arrangement is exciting for the couple. Beyond this core definition, the fantasy explodes wildly into many different spaces and often becomes a fetish within a fetish.
Takes One to Know One
Adult dating sites and other websites are full of couples looking for other men to fuck the wife or girlfriend. I know this because there was a time when I fulfilled this desire for couples. In American Gigolo: Rise I describe my first encounter with a couple and that experience soon launched me into another world of sexual intrigue and exploration. I knew what I was doing and, in a world where willing men were a dime a dozen, I was a “preferred male” in relatively high demand by couples.
The odd thing about this journey as an “American Gigolo”, Alpha, or Bull is that it felt like an out-of-body experience. It felt like I was an actor performing my role in a play. Looking back on that period, playing a role is exactly what I was doing and should have been doing. Cuckolding is truly erotic theater with the cuckold, bull, and hotwife/cuckoldress each playing their role. The deeper feelings that lead me to this “performance” are explored in the American Gigolo post. Good or bad, I needed to prove to myself that I could attain this level of sexuality…being in high demand by women for sexual fulfillment.
I was also extremely curious about cuckolding and wanted to observe and experience it up close but from a safe emotional distance. As an “Alpha” I was able to see how real cuckold couples experienced the fantasy and learn from them…while of course fucking another man’s wife (which was also quite exciting). While it was fascinating and very erotic, I felt disconnected from the experience. I can be very naughty but I am first and foremost a sensual man. I prefer to layer my naughty side on top of a deep sensual connection. Being the third wheel in the sexual adventures of a couple, the sensual connection that I crave was often missing.
Why were these couples drawn to me? In real-life cuckolding, a couple wants someone that understands the sexual game being played. Couples want a man that respects their boundaries as a couple and has the sexual savvy to play a role with conviction. Being an Alpha in the cuckolding realm is much more than sex with another man’s wife. You also have to be able to mind-fuck the cuckold. Believe me, if what you are doing as an Alpha isn’t exciting the cuckold, there won’t be a repeat performance. Alpha “posers” will have you believe they are in control and they may even (naively) believe it. Trust me, in real life it is cuckold that holds the ultimate power and he is the grand conductor of the erotic scene playing out before him. He doesn’t “act” like it because he too is playing a role in this erotic theater.
As an Alpha, I promoted myself and had a profile that was like nothing else out there. It was distinctive, erotic, and clearly communicated my understanding of this sexual play. Couples may have thought my cock was the most important part of their experience. In reality, it was my mind that was the most desired erotic organ. The Cuckold Contract is something I prepared for a couple (which they signed) that set out my expectations (“acting” as if I was in control) of the couple. You may find it interesting…perhaps even arousing.
In my personal experience and research, I have come to appreciate cuckolding as a fantasy/fetish of choice for men that are more cerebrally inclined. I’m not saying that cuckolds are more intelligent, but I am suggesting their mind is heavily engaged in their sexual experience—before, during, and in the afterglow. A cuckold doesn’t often receive tactile stimulation in the moment. Instead, the cuckold is being sexually stimulated by a mind fuck of the highest order.
The underlying driver for mental stimulation may come from one or many intermingled sources. For now, I am going to explore the concept of psychological masochism.
In future posts I will explore the influence of exhibitionism, sexual competition (Sperm Wars), voyeurism, interracial sex, power flow (dominant and submissive cuckolds), Femdom, and erotic humiliation in the cuckolding fetish. None of these erotic layers are essential to “healthy” cuckolding. However, many are layered onto cuckold fantasies.
Some sexual psychologists view cuckolding as a form of psychological masochism. In BDSM, we understand that some people are turned on by whips, chains, and giving/receiving physical pain in order to elicit sexual arousal or emotional satisfaction.
A cuckold can be aroused by mental angst as a form of psychological masochism. Think about it a little deeper. A cuckold gets off anticipating, watching, and remembering his lover with her legs spread wide as another man plows her pussy and pumps his sperm inside her. He is taking an emotional and mental spanking…and it drives him wild.
As I dig a little deeper for personal insight, I think back to my Shadows post which, in part, explored the impact of my mother’s suicide. As a sensual spirit, my desire to be cuckolded could be a counter-phobic reaction to fear of loss. Instead of fearing the loss of someone I love, I am drawn to it and excited by it. I create a space where I squarely face and master my darkness with full confidence that my lover isn’t going to leave. I won’t discount the theory as playing some role in my psyche. However, at best, it is only a contributing factor. There are more erotic layers that contribute to and intensify the experience for me.
Cuckolding is a dangerous game involving jealousy and divine ecstasy, shame and gratitude, control and submission, lust and trust, pride and humiliation, etc. You can imagine almost any two contrasting adjectives to describe the emotional highs and lows of being “in love” and the range of those emotions is experienced in the cuckolding experience. As a form of psychological masochism, cuckolding is an intense, mind-bending, mind fuck.
The ancient Greeks recognized the psychology of contrast, opposites, inversion, and liberation as a powerful psychological force and timeless pattern of thought (what we think of as archetypes) and placed it within the realm of Dionysus. If you are a strong, independent woman that experience a wild rush when entering a submissive state, you are experiencing inversion and touching transcendent ecstasy of Dionysus. Similarly, a strong man experiences a similar rush of inversion when cuckolded.
I held this fantasy for many years before I felt confident I could mentally master my emotional reaction to the experience and use it as a way to enhance my relationships through naughty sexual adventures. I would frequently masturbate while thinking about watching the woman I loved being fucked by another guy. Invariably, as soon as I came, the idea made me feel sick. It would take a couple days or even weeks before the thought began to arouse me again. I understood what was going on inside me though. It was hot to think about, but I feared that in my afterglow I would be jealous and angry with her. If I could not mentally master my emotional reaction, I knew it was a potential fire that could sweep across and destroy a relationship.
For many, the initial awareness and reaction to cuckolding is often one of shock. I suppose this is a common reaction to any fetish when first exposed to it. If it was intuitive and at first glance made sense, it wouldn’t be called a kink. Why do some women want to be collared, chained, spanked, and dominated? To each his/her own.
Merging of the Minds
We all have our kinks and fetishes with different underlying psychological drivers. Fortunately, if our lover is sexually adventurous, we have an opportunity to blend our fantasies/fetishes into a shared fantasy to form a unique experience as a couple. As a dominant male with a cuckold fantasy, I am still drawn to female submission. For example, I never masturbate to the thought of being physically dominated by a woman. As a cuckold, I realize I’m a bit of an outlier here. In fairness, there are plenty of cuckolds that do crave female domination.
While I don’t crave female domination, I would be open to it (as sexual play) if it was important to my lover and it was how she wanted to explore cuckolding. In this way, we are both getting our essential hot buttons pushed. If we think about the percentages, a man is far more likely to meet a woman that has submissive fantasies. This has been my experience and statistics support it. How does a cuckold navigate what seems to be non-complimentory fantasies?
Simply put, the role of a Dominant cuckold plays perfectly in this space. Some people scoff at this notion and will call it an oxymoron. Remember though that dominance and submission is a D/s separate kink and independent of cuckolding. Cuckolding doesn’t even require any power play at all. You can be a dominant male and still get off on seeing your lover with another man. Instead of discussing this, I illustrate this dynamic in the video Naughty Angel (Dominant Cuckold).
Similarly, Sienna (a former lover) once described how she viewed cuckolding as a submissive woman: Sienna: A submissive Woman’s Perspective on Cuckolding. In the image below, Sienna saw herself submitting to my desires.
Before wrapping this up, I would like to emphasize the extreme importance of communication in any relationship and especially when cuckolding is used as a form of sexual play for the couple. The erotic dialogue leading up to and after the moment is so very important to the cuckold and is a large part of his experience. It feeds his mind. The excitement and anticipation of what his lover is feeling, thinking, and sharing serves to drive the cuckold’s excitement.
In turn, this mind fuck increases his passion, desire for increased intimacy with his lover, and ultimately the emotional commitment within their relationship. There is likely a Sperm Wars effect which contributes to cuckolds reaction to compete sexually. I’ll explore this concept in an upcoming post.
I hope you found this second foray into cuckolding to be both educational and mentally stimulating. Remember, in a healthy relationship the cuckolding experience adds to the relationship and is ultimately about the couple. If you are interested in reading more about this sexual kink, all of my cuckold-related content is available here – Cuckolding.
My cuckolding content includes interviews with men and women involved in the lifestyle, my personal experiences, and the psychology of cuckolding. If you are interested in sharing your cuckold fantasy, please leave a comment and your email. I will reach out to you.
After first publishing this, there was some interesting questions/discussions and sharing of fantasies by women who found it arousing to imagine themselves being cuckolded. That is, the woman finds erotic pleasure watching (or fantasizing about) her man pleasing and being pleased by another woman. This could be a “basic” threesome where all three are playing with each other. It could also venture into the cuckold realm. In this case, the woman in the couple is called a “Cuckquean”. Sexual psychologist typically associate this fantasy with submissive women and place it within the realm of BDSM.