Playing in the cuckold space is one of my favorite sexual fantasies. Whether I am the cuckold or the alpha male/bull (man assisting in the cuckolding of another man), the erotic layers of this fantasy fascinate me. I am not alone. Within the world of sexual fantasies, cuckolding is a very popular fantasy. Despite its popularity, many cuckolds feel embarrassed or ashamed of harboring this fantasy. I hope to shine some light on the subject.
What exactly is cuckolding? The meaning of “cuckold” has evolved over time and today we understand it as a term referring to a sexual fantasy/fetish in which the man is stimulated by his emotionally committed partner having sex with another man or men. In its purest form, cuckolding involves three elements. We have a couple that is emotionally committed to one another, his lover is having sex with another man or men, and this arrangement turns the male partner on as well as his lover.
In the world of sexual fetishes, cuckolding has long been looked upon with disdain with the men participating in it being viewed as weak and emasculated. Much of this perception stems from lack of knowledge and understanding. We are now hearing and learning more about cuckolding these days. This rise in awareness, information, and understanding of the underlying psychological forces driving this kink have resulted in more and more people rejecting the social stigma and shame associated with this fantasy. In turn, we are seeing a rise in this form of sexual play among sexually adventurous couples.
Just how popular is this “secret” sexual kink? Neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam analyzed one billion sex-related search terms as research for their 2012 book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts. They found that cuckold-related searches rank #2 among most searched for sexual content on the internet. Clearly, there is interest in this sexual behavior.
Recently, CNN.com even published a story (written by Ian Kerner, a licensed psychotherapist and sexuality counselor in New York City) references several studies. One study by David Ley (author of Insatiable Wives), Justin Lehmiller, and the writer Dan Savage, concludes that acting on cuckolding fantasies can be a largely positive experience for many couples, and hardly a sign of male weakness.
Justin Lehmiller also uncovered some impressive prevalence numbers while researching his book, “Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help Improve Your Sex Life.” He surveyed thousands of Americans and found that 58% of men and ~ 33% of women have fantasized about cuckolding. All of this is occurring in the context of cuckolding being the #2 most searched for sexual content in the world. Cuckold culture is on the rise.
Despite the impressive prevalence data and my personal enjoyment and positive experiences with this sexual kink, I realize it isn’t everyone…no sexual kink/fetish works for everyone. Some will scoff and say “I don’t get it” or make derogatory comments about cuckolding. I would ask those folks to step back, take a deep breath, and open their mind to the fact that other people think and exist independently of their beliefs and perceptions of reality. If cuckolding was intuitive and adopted by the masses, it would no longer be a sexual kink/fetish.
Why are men (or women for that matter) drawn to this popular but secret fantasy? There are many layers associated with this fantasy and each cuckold couple will have their own unique spin. This is why I began this discussion with a core definition that forms the essence of cuckolding and one that is shared by all cuckolds: we are in love, our lover is sleeping with another man (or men), and this excites both the cuckold and his lover. Beyond this core definition, the fantasy takes off in many directions and often becomes a fetish within a fetish.
Cuckolding is a kink is also best explored within the confines of a healthy, loving relationships with strong, open lines of communication. Cuckolding is not a fix for broken relationships. And, in those healthy relationships, we always have the option of keeping it in the fantasy realm. Even talking about it and creating erotic stories for one another can fuel passion’s flame for the couple. That said, making the fantasy a reality is always an option too and, while it may sound counter-intuitive, can transport the couple to another level of ecstasy with one another.
I have written a great deal about cuckolding which is available on The Dionysian Experience to include psychological drivers of cuckolding, interviews with cuckolds, and my own personal experiences in the cuckold scene (as the cuckold and as the Alpha male). I have a folder housing this content and you can link to it here – Cuckolding. Here is a brief overview of these additional posts:
Cuckold: Mind Bender – Cuckolding is sometimes referred to as the intellectual fetish. This posts explores the erotic layers of the cuckold fantasy and the importance of mental stimulation in the cuckold’s erotic pleasure. For some, there may also be a level of sadomasochism (the “SM” in BDSM) at play. The cuckold’s intense arousal comes from the intense but very pleasurable mental and emotional burn of watching his lover with another man.
Sperm Wars: Seeding Passion’s Flame – It is a somewhat uncomfortable confession…that it really turns me on to think about my lover with another man. The emotional burn, intense mind-fuck, and physical arousal is like nothing I have ever known. Knowing another man is fucking your lover induces a biological reaction known as sperm competition. Measurable effects includes increased arousal (hardness), increased sperm volume, higher sperm motility, increased thrusting, and deeper penetration. Explore the possibilities of sperm competition to reignite the passion in your relationship.
Video: Naughty Angel (Dominant Cuckold) – Dominance and submission are erotic layers sometimes at play in cuckolding. Typically, the cuckold is seen as submissive but this isn’t always the case. Check out this video for a visual exploration of the Dominant cuckold.
Cuckolding vs. Femdom – These distinct and seperate sexual kinks often co-exist in male fantasies but they are not one in the same. Join me for an exploration that teases out the differences between between cuckolding and Femdom fantasies.
- Interview with KC – KC describes how he and fiancé got into and enjoy interracial cuckolding
- Interview with Joshua – Joshua shares his interracial cuckold fantasy and explores how he is trying to get his lover into it.
- Interview with Carol Ann – Carol describes what led her to secretly cuckold her husband with a young black man and what that experience was like.
- Interview with Henry – A 40-something, married British male shares his cuckold fantasy and explains why he fantasizes about his wife cuckolding him with black men.
Cuckold-related topics for future exploration:
- Interracial Sex – A common erotic layer added to cuckolding. I will seek to explore and uncover the forces at play in this added erotic layer.
- Small Penis Teasing/Humiliation – as a form of psychological masochism, the cuckold is aroused by his lover teasing him about having a small cock and admitting her craving for a larger cock.
- Hotwife – the man is aroused knowing other men find his wife or girlfriend desirable. She is a source of pride, status, and power to the cuckold.
- Gift of Pleasure – some cuckolds are adamant that their lover’s pleasure is their only goal.
- Exhibitionism and Voyeurism – Some of us are into these kinks independent of cuckolding. The erotic rush of these kinks can extend into the cuckold experience as well.
- Wife Breeding – As men we have a biological imperative to protect scare resources and to extend our lineage. Explore the underlying drivers behind the rush “some” cuckold’s experience imagining another man has or will breed his lover.
- BDSM – This kink is includes many, many forms of sexual behavior and many of them find iterations within cuckolding.
- Taboo – Monogamy and the romantic ideals of courtly love are deeply embedded in our collective consciousness. Cuckolding presents a form of inversion that can be wildly exciting for both the cuckold and his lover.
To wrap up this introduction, I set out to show the popularity of cuckolding and define its critical attributes–a definition that applies to all cuckolds. I’ve also shared some brief introductions to additional erotic layers of the cuckold fantasy that I will be sharing throughout the year.
I hope you enjoyed this brief introduction to cuckolding and will join the discussion. If you enjoyed the post, don’t be bashful. Click the “like” button and/or leave a comment. Let’s bring cuckolding out of the shadows and into the light.