“When fighting with monsters, take care that in the process you do not also become one.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Devil Woman 19-3 v5

 

Hi Paige, it has been a long time. You may not remember me, but I will never forget you.

I was in college when we met at a popular downtown pub. You were a few years older than me and beginning life in the real world with work and your own place. We hit it off and had a fun night dancing and drinking. Before we knew it, the lights came on signaling closing time. I was sweet talking you and doing my best (at the time) to get you to take me home with you.

Our connection that night was immediate and powerful, and I could see in your eyes that you were close to saying yes but struggling with moving too quickly. I wanted to make “yes” easy on you and, despite my youth, I was a smooth talker. Still, you resisted and I backed off. Sometimes a tactical retreat can result in strategic victory. I at least needed a place to crash since I had been drinking was too far from home to drive. I asked if I could at sleep on your couch? If not, I would sleep in my car as I had done many times. We were deep in winter’s grip and this worried you. (For the record, my car was always well-stocked with blankets, food, and water).

You agreed to bring me back to your apartment after making me promise I would “behave” and stay on the couch. I quickly agreed. We got to your place and started making out right away. I was trying to free you from your clothes but you still resisted. You said it was late and we should get some sleep. Oh, the games we played as young adults…sex never seemed straightforward back then.

I complained teasingly, “You aren’t really going to make me sleep on the couch are you? Let me sleep in your bed and I promise to behave.” It was all a comfortable, flirty dance that gave you every chance to say no or to accept what you really wanted in small steps. You agreed but said, “no touching, just sleeping”. (Right. Got it.) Once in the bedroom, you turned down the lights and left to change. Since I don’t wear underwear (I need to be free), I undressed and jumped in the bed with nothing on. Did I think that once you slipped under the sheets and felt the fleshy heat and power of my hard cock against you that you would fuck me? Yes.

It wouldn’t take that extra bit of temptation though. After an extended absence, you returned from the bathroom wearing some very sexy lingerie.  You were a breathtaking sight to behold as you stepped out of the bathroom basked in the warm, soft light of the room…your bedroom so softly and femininely appointed. You seemed so bashful and innocent as you stood there awaiting my reaction. The games were over. An evasive young girl left the room and a woman returned. You were a vision of beauty and I told you so as I motioned for you to come join me in your bed.

Paige, as the years have passed I still have vivid memories of how surprisingly intimate and sensual the love making was between us. The groove and tempo of our bodies flowing in perfect unison lit corners of my soul that had been cloaked in darkness. We were good…really, REALLY good. To be perfectly transparent, it was too good and something approaching a divine experience within me. It was like I had stumbled across my soul mate. You felt the same as you commented on how perfectly our lips and bodies molded together…like we were made for one another. You were so wet and it drove me wild feeling you release multiple times and shaking with bliss in my arms. Our kissing and eye contact were magical and dreamy…our bodies were so wet and slippery as we fucked deeply and deep into the night. I still remember the intensity of my release deep inside you.

In our afterglow, I knew I was in trouble. I remember thinking, “No way, not now.” I still had a mission to fulfill. Much of this mission is described in Leanna – Separate Ways. And, though I never told you, I was still fighting some demons in my life due to my mother’s suicide (discussed in Shadows).

Batman - Shadows

 

Looking back I can see that I became somewhat obsessed with the affection of women and it defined my very existence. I was driven by what women found attractive. My education was based on getting a better job and being financially viable to women as a provider and lover. Money would not be a disqualifier. My fitness was based on developing my body into what women found desirable. Ditto for my clothing, grooming, and mannerisms. Seduction had become my craft. Looking back at this period in my life, it isn’t a stretch to say that I wanted to fuck every woman on the planet…twice. I desperately needed to be validated by women as if to prove to my mother that I am and should have been worth living for.

Despite my panicked feeling in our afterglow, we enjoyed an intimate and cozy winter morning together. That afternoon, you took me to my car where we exchanged goodbyes and phone numbers. We had another evening together soon after which was even better than the first because we weren’t plastered with alcohol and already felt a strong connection. I was falling for you. A random memory of that second night was the Squeeze CD I brought and left with you. I planned to get it back next time. Unfortunately for me, I never called you back for a third date. I still have that empty CD case. It’s a painful reminder of what I lost…and I’m not talking about the CD.

I ran into you a few months later at the same pub where we first met. Just looking at you made my heart race and I immediately regretted not calling you. I wanted to make it right…I think. I was making progress on gaining your forgiveness and, potentially, another magical night. Then your pain-in-the-ass friend started pulling you away from me. You wanted to stay and hear what I had to say. I remember walking outside the pub as you and your girlfriend were leaving. I was talking to you while simultaneously fighting off arguments from your crazy friend. She was such a loud bitch…busting my balls and telling you to ignore me. Obviously, she had been consoling you in my absence and was, in fact, a good friend. She was right, I didn’t deserve a second chance.

As I tried to spin my yarn about why you should take me home again, I said something wrong.  I have no idea what it was, but your whole face changed instantly and time seemed to pass in slow motion. You became very upset and told me I hurt you and that this was not some game. You said you had felt something really special, you trusted me, and was excited about seeing me again. You pounded me in the chest, “Damn it, Michael! I cried every night for you! I thought you were different!” You gathered yourself and stared deep into my eyes as tears pooled and ran down your beautiful cheeks. Then, without another word, you turned away and vanished into the cold winter night…gone forever.

Paige, you saw beyond my mask. Like no one before, you felt my sensual inner nature and connected to the real me. You saw a part of me that I seemed to hate or fear and repressed. My life experience to this point had taught me that girls don’t like sweet boys. I had been sweet boy and one girl after another broke my heart. My own mother left me. The soul of a woman was a dark place. What women wanted were the bad boys and assholes that would play hard to get and treat them terribly. This made the girls fight even harder to win their affection. Girls wanted to be the one to tame the bad boy.

Devil Woman 13-2 copy v2

They didn’t want a man whose soul was so gentle that he would fail a science project as I had for refusing to kill a butterfly as part of my insect collection. In fact, I figured it was this bad-boy persona that drew you to me. I wore it well and you were the next to try and tame me. In my eyes, you were another woman bent on snuffing out the final flickers of my sensual, loving spirit and I didn’t want to give you that chance…to hurt me and abandon me.

Regardless of my convoluted reasoning, I was wrong in how I handled my fear. For all I know, your father or mother could have abandoned you. Then, what I did may have made your fear even deeper. You could’ve had a string of men that hurt you when you revealed your sensual spirit. I was just the next one in line to hurt you. I was selfish and acted solely on what I needed without regard to your feelings or the potential emotional damage I inflicted on you…and others. Paige, it is far too late now but I am genuinely sorry.

To this day, crisp, cold, star-filled nights remind me of that empty moment. I can see you in your black wool winter coat and scarf with gorgeous hair blowing in the wind. I will never forget the last time your glassy, tear-filled eyes looked into my soul. You were a sensual woman in bloom. I couldn’t see it then but I see and know that spiritual glow now. You deserved so much more from me.

Paige, while it probably doesn’t matter to you now, you unleashed a spiritual awakening within me and forever altered how I feel about and have guarded the hearts of women. I hope life has been kind to you and you have been able to share your beautiful gift with others.

Postscript:

My time with Paige was brief, but it was a powerful inflection point. That final vision of Paige has always pained me. I had almost demonized women and approached them with a warrior-like mentality. I fought my darkness and, in the process, I was becoming what I fought. I would aspire to become a source of light and become a better man.

Today, instead of wanting to fuck the world, I want to share light where there is darkness. More than empty, soulless fucking, I want to have a sensual, thoughtful, and erotic connection to the world…to see and appreciate beauty in all its forms.

If this is your first visit, welcome to The Dionysian Experience.

Michael - Lightworker v2

 

23 thoughts on “The Abyss – Paige, I’m Sorry

  1. Wow. Its not often I read other people’s writing that takes my breath away and makes me speechless. That seems to be a hard thing to do for most and you manged it perfectly. Amazing job as per usual Michael.

    1. Thank you, this wasn’t exactly my finest moment but it was an important part of my journey…a turning point really. I still stumble but my heart is in the right place. ❤️

      1. True. I get that completely

  2. Oh My Sexy Sensual Friend…. you have indeed succeeded in shining your light and although you were once a douche canoe 😜 you learned from it. Not many can say that. Keep shining bright Baby! 💋💋💋

    1. Thank you, beautiful ☺️😘 So, I wasn’t even a douche bag…it was whole canoe, ha! Fair enough.😛Thank you so much for your friendship over the years…we have seen one another go through a lot of gyrations. I will do my best to shine and hope you always keep your sparkle too 💖 ✨

      1. LOL, well perhaps you weren’t the whole canoe… 😉

        1. Haha! I’ll take that a win and, with oar firmly in hand, keep stroking along down the river 😃😘

  3. ~smiles~ That’s really beautiful”, Micheal.

    After looking at a few of your things then coming across this, I had to double check it was the same blog.

    You seem sweet Micheal.

    I’m sorry about your early childhood experiences though. (Yay parents, huh?!?) Still, without those things that happened to us in our early years, we would not be who we are today. For better, or worse.

    Hmmm… ~nods thinking~ I’m be keeping an eye on your pages Micheal.
    Thank you for dropping by my own.
    ~inclines head slightly, smiles then runs off into the darkness with a wave~

    1. Awww, thanks so much for this feedback. I do share a lot of naughty things here but I always appreciate when a sense of sweetness come through.☺️It seems, especially as teenagers, we try to downplay the influence of our parents. They do cast a long shadow of influence though. I’ve been away and look forward to reconnecting. Hope life has been treating you well 😘

  4. ………… you do shine light. You really do. I am in awe of you, in so many ways…

  5. I think life has a certain of affecting all of us in a positive or negative way,
    But, we learn and grow to know we can make our own positive or negative effect on our lives and others. We may stumble well, at least I stumble but I think eventually we learn to do things better.
    On the other hand many women like bad boys they enjoy the thrill and like the drama of being ignored treated bad wanting to be one to turn a bad one into a good one. I have never been into that not my cup of tea but to each is own.
    Very interesting and nice post Michael and the artwork

    1. Thank you for the thoughtful reflection and encouragement 💞 I agree that the allure of the Bad Boy is something that is very real. I may have a bit that aura but inside I am a sensual and thoughtful man…just a bit (maybe very) naughty 😈😇 This moment was such an awakening for me and there was no reason to deny this inner part of me.

      1. You are welcome. I don’t judge you or anyone. If you read a few my post you see a glisp of some of my life. I had my moments of being not so nice. I don’t know your life story but I know for me it was childhood pain that made me not always be nice. But, after awhile I learned to react better to things and people. I like to say that it takes a certain person or a certain situation to make a person change for better or worse.

        1. Our childhood can be tough at times and we aren’t really equipped to deal with big events that shake us up. It is hard to imagine you ever being anything less than nice. I’m sure there is a tough fighter inside you but you keep up the social graces very well. 😘

  6. This was a tough one for me. It’s shocking to picture you in a less than flattering light even more so in your failure to read the situation. I realize I’ve set you pretty high up there. The hardest part for me to read was her coming out of the bathroom and you admitting you were leading her to whet she wanted. I was so ashamed that you knew exactly what she was thinking. She was so easy to read, like a pitiful little beggar at the beautiful dreamers
    Table.

    1. I wasn’t quite finished with my thought. I communed with Paige, I know that “this is too soon, he’s just playing, you can’t be this pathetically needy, you couldn’t tempt him if you tried, he’s going to be like all the others, I’m so lonely I don’t even care anymore, just touch me, let me feel, I don’t care I’ll just remember that time a beautiful man pretended I was enough”
      That may not have been her train of thought but it rampaged through my head as I watched her reticence melt like so much butter too close to a flame. You’ve punched a few buttons my good sir😳I’m glad you recognize your part as well, even in retrospect. That means something 😘

      1. I feel a lot of shame about this and deserve to be flogged….or at least have my cock put in a chastity cage and have to watch a lover with another man. I don’t know if she felt such emotions as you channeled but I can see it as a possibility. She was an attractive girl and I was really the fortunate one. I think she saw the real me (even though I tried to hide and suppress this) behind my mask and that is what she wanted. I just wasn’t strong enough at that point in my life to expose that part of me and risk the pain of being hurt. I’m much better now though😃Maybe I could sleep on your couch sometime?☺️😘

        1. ….with a cage on and watch me have sex with with a BBC who isn’t afraid of his own shadow? (Was that too far? Maybe that was a little too far…) i’m afraid my couch would not accommodate your height. However, I’m sure I could find an appropriate space for the truly repentant. 😊 to be honest, I was very surprised by my reaction to this writing. It gave me a lot to think about😳

          1. This isn’t too far at all. In fact, it is psychologically penetrating AND very hot! Your shadow reference…I have that Shadow post where I explore my fear of loss and how being hurt by women may stem from my mother. Cuckolding, from one perspective, is me stepping into my shadow and allowing it to swirl all around me. I have the visual of young Bruce Wayne falling into the cave where the bats (he fears) swirl around him. I face my shadow/fears of loss by encouraging my lover to take what many perceive (stereotyping a bit) as the pinnacle of male sexual fulfillment – “the BBC” between her legs. To be opened up, filled deeply, and ride the waves of orgasmic bliss like never before…yet having the confidence to know that it won’t be enough to supplant me. While “playing” a less than alpha role, I am the true alpha and conductor of the erotic theatre playing out before my eyes. Her pleasure, his pleasure…and mine. Regarding your reaction, I hope you will explore that in a post sometime. I’m sorry if it struck a few chords that made you in someway uncomfortable. You are a beautiful spirit and sometimes men don’t have the maturity to see this at a young age, if ever. I see you though and you are radiant.✨ No couch, hmmmm. I am very repentant.😈😇 Btw, your comment about the cage and watching, had me ripping at the seams of my slacks, so damn hot!🔥

          2. Damn, I’ve missed you.

          3. The feeling is totally mutual.😘 I can see though that you have had a year like I can’t even imagine…some highs and lows. Look forward to getting into what I’ve missed. So sorry about your Dad and how that is playing out for you and your family. Signing off for now, beautiful 💖

    2. It’s not like I didn’t feel bad enough already…teasing. 😉This was something I had to get off my chest and an important (though not flattering) part of my journey. It started me on a new trajectory though. I imagine a lot of people go through similar moments in life. There are girls that actually use guys and crush their spirits with little regard…especially when we are young. I had come across a lot of them and was in self-preservation mode…I had started too long into the abyss it seems. But, she awakened me. Perhaps she was a lightworker. ✨Perhaps you are a lightworker 💖

      1. Perhaps…🙃

Hope you enjoyed and will share your thoughts...